Sunday, March 18, 2012

The River: Best Show Ever! Or the stupiest. Still deciding.

I love horror movies. I love the cheesy ones that come on Sci-Fi and the ones with a high production cost that end up in movie theaters. But since Hollywood loves action movies more than horror we have to make due with what we get. I love texting my friend on Saturday night as we watch a new (and mostly horrible) movie about something unbelievable and “scary”.

What my husband doesn’t understand is the reason behind some of this love. While I think I like getting a good scare (although I totally freak out with anything having to do with eyeball removal) I mainly tune in…because these shows are so over the top and “special”. Just like with some anime shows I watch the real joy comes from snarking these shows. While anime shows and horror/mystery/sci-fi movies have the potential for greatness somewhere along the lines things go into a different direction than the one they were aiming for (hopefully amazing).


Oh did I mention this is normal?

And that is why I love The River. It is like the show Lost sprinkled with Cloverfield with a dash of everything that makes a sci-fi movie awful….I mean wonderful. And with one episode left (because really folks, is this miniseries going to get a second chance?!) I must share my thoughts with the world about this spectacular show. Spoilers for the entire show of The River.

Here is a synopsis of The River stolen from Wikipedia. I would have written my own but it would have been way too snarky and made no sense. XD

Famed explorer Dr. Emmet Cole went looking for "magic" deep in the uncharted Amazon basin and never returned. The shocking truth about his disappearance is out there, somewhere, just waiting to be discovered. To the millions of kids who grew up watching his nature show, Dr. Cole was a hero. To his own son, Lincoln, he was more of an enigma. Now, six months after he vanished, Lincoln is finally ready to bury the past when Dr. Cole's emergency beacon suddenly goes off. At the urging of his mother, Tess, Lincoln reluctantly joins her on a search for his father. To fund the rescue, they agree to let Dr. Cole's cagey ex-producer, Clark, film the mission documentary-style. The mixed crew of old friends and new acquaintances includes the missing cameraman's daughter, Lena Landry, Magus mechanic Emilio Valenzuela and private security bodyguard Captain Kurt Brynildson .

First off the first episode will make you feel like puking. All the wonderful camera angles that left people rushing out of the theaters during Cloverfield are on in full force with the extra long first episode. After that the camera angles either didn’t bother me or were in short enough periods of time to be manageable. But this show has taken monster attacking angles to a whole notha level!

With most horror shows and movies people are left on their own to figure out what the heck is going on. With The River someone with MOST of the answers is on the damn boat…and no one listens to her! Like Hi I am a 14 year Mexican girl and I know every single legend on this river yet as things get creepier and creepier no one pays attention to me. Usually after something really bad happens everyone decides to find the little Mexican girl (who can actually drive and fix the boat!) to grill her on how to fix things. Usually La Mexican Chica only knows WHAT the curse is. Stopping it is a different story.


According to calculations we are screwed.

But in the event the Haughty Hispanic knows what to do to stop the strange thing from happening no one really wants to take her advice. Usually the answer is something less than pleasant and people want to try a more humane/sane way of handling the situation. Unless it involves getting to Emmet Cole faster. Then Tess Cole is like WOOHOO time to sacrifice all of you. Overall though the Hispanic Wondergirl has a very good reason for not learning to speak English. Stupid Americans indeed.

One of the most amazing things about this series is for half the episodes everyone (besides Jahel Valenzuela) does not believe all the crazy stuff that is going on. In the first episode there is some BEYOND crazy stuff, enough to make the average person turn around and call it a day but no. Our adventurers (or I guess rescuers…) deny that this awful thing is possible and trying to ignore how BAD things are as long as possible.

That is…until the crew takes a 180 and no longer questions the crazy stuff that is happening. Instead of living in constant fear LIKE THEY SHOULD BE the crew just goes…meh, that was interesting ,what’s for lunch? Like everyone snaps and suddenly all this weird stuff becomes their reality and trying to make sense of it all would take a lifetime. Instead they keep trucking on under the delusional idea that some dude survived ALL of the stuff they are going through 6 months ago with no supplies and being lost in the woods.

While I acknowledge that LOST (which is what this show is desperately trying to be) had its insane moments…they were slow and over time. And while some points weren’t fully explained and others were…very special indeed these were built up and used over many episodes. With The River crazy things keep on happening and POOF that aspect of the show is never heard of again.

It is almost like the creators of this show watched every other horror/slasher/mystery movie and show out there and incorporated every single interesting idea into their show. Here is a list of crazy things that have happened in their show:

A dragon fly flies in La Latina’s mouth and she starts channeling “the dead dude”. He isn’t really dead but that isn’t known at the time. She says a few insane things, almost enters a coma, and the dragon fly flies out of her mouth. It never dawns on anyone to take her to the hospital later. And no one questions this amazing dragon fly's ability to be alive after being in a human body.

The rescuers find the Magus (the boat Emmet goes missing in) covered in blood and a door welded shut. When they open the door someone nearly loses a leg and they open up a coconut (okay I don’t remember what it was but it looked coconut enough) that contained a demon thing. Said demon thing kills a crew member and flies off. Never to be mentioned again. The demon thing and crew member I mean.

There is a section of forest covered in doll parts. Even a random monkey is wearing a doll head. Turns out a young girl drowned in the river due to adults sucking at life. Everyone was eventually buried near the river. When Tess is taken by the 5 inches of water the crew MAGICALLY knows to dig up the dead girl’s mother and throw her in the river so mother and daughter could be together. Tess is then released somewhere else.

The rescue crew finds an original member of the Magus hanging from a tree. Turns out he has been hanging there for 6 months. And is still alive. Then it turns out he stole someone’s soul with a cellphone. When things get really bad the rescue crew decides to hang him again. The river forgives him though.

Rescue party comes across a boat with 4 nice people. Turns out that these people are dead and it is a ghost ship. But you can set ghosts on fire so things are okay. Except an original member of the Magus was on the ship. Sorry dude.

The forest (yes the forest as the crew spends more time there then on the river) is alive. But if you whistle the right tune it will let you pass. If not you will be skinned alive.

The indigenous people MIGHT be angels. They at least live for a very long time and might have regeneration powers. But angels folks. Might be.

A team of “scientist” decide they want to study said indigenous people. By cutting them open. In an effort to keep these secrets from reaching the outside world someone fires off a few rounds. This leads to a virus being released into the air. And then everyone turns into zombies. ZOMBIES! But don’t worry folks. These zombies take naps. It is hard work storing food in the freezer after all.

And…in the last episode…Emmet is found. In a cocoon. Like he was a damn butterfly.


The River: Where solutions are random and crazy runs aplenty.

So in conclusion this show is everything you hate and love about Sci-fi movies and then some. We got people wearing tank tops and NOT dying. The black dude has made it pretty dang far. There are plenty of deaths to go around what with the river giving us new characters all the time. Oh and Tess is insane. If Haughty Hispanic hooked up with Daryl from The Walking Dead…they could rule the world.

The most wonderful train wreck ever. WATCH IT!

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