June movie reviews

Another month has gone by. So quickly but since I am eagerly counting down to Japan I am slightly thrilled...I suppose anyway. XO That does mean I have less time to save up money for said trip....

Anyway here are the movies I viewed this month. I was slightly sick at the beginning of June (cross your fingers for this health care plan my husband applied for) so I had a lot of spare time to watch movies. Or maybe I have too much spare time to begin with. But yes there are tons of movies this month. Prepared to be unamazed people!!!

Included in this post are the following movies:

Insanitarium

The Children

The Thaw

The Crazies

Offspring

Surveillance

End of the Line

Stonehenge Apocalypse

Backwoods

Seamsstress

The Hills Run Red

Supergator vs Dinocroc

Rottweiler

The Karate Kid

I Will Always Know What You Did Last Summer


Insanitarium

This movie was truly a waste of time. I know I say that a lot but please. Don’t.

It is labeled a zombie movie but yeah….they aren’t very zombie like. Almost like normal people who are suddenly covered in blood and want to eat you. They talk and seem to think more like humans than mindless zombies. There never seems to be any true danger.

This movie had a random fetus. I say random because the doctor was performing experiments was doing so on mental patients. So…where did the fetus come from? Do people like keeping dead fetuses around in glass jars?

This movie had boobies. The amount of boobies was probably supposed to make up for the lack of zombies. I was not amused. I also was not amused with the random rape scene. But good job for making the cops look incompetent? Lies you are fail movie!

The Children

Movies about kids killing and getting killed make people crazy for some reasons. People always comment that it makes them sick, that all the kids look like their little bundles of joy and they could never imagine killing their precious babies.

This is why I don’t have kids. I am prepared to take out all your nasty infected kids. You’re welcome.

Most of the adults deserve to die. Actually of them deserve to die. They are all living in lala land about how the fact their kids were acting really weird before the killings. Seriously half the dialogue in the first half the movie was kids screaming and crying. It was marvelous. But anyway yeah dead parents. Robbie deserves to die because he didn’t think to jump off the sled (not because he was a perv because he wasn’t; he was just being nice to his niece). Jonah deserves to die because when he is told his stepdaughter is a killer his first reaction is to take his youngest child and LEAVE HIS WIFE BEHIND! Chloe deserves to die because her first reaction to thinking her husband might be sleeping with her niece is to get her niece in trouble. Great job Aunt Chloe. And finally Elaine deserves to die because she saw ALL of her kids get sick and go crazy but she still let Casey in the car.

Even if I liked kids they were so annoying in this movie. I wanted the killing to hurry up and happen so the crying and screaming would stop. There was no real storyline except that if you have a baby at 16 everyone must treat her like crap so she can go out and get a fetus tattoo. Just a bunch of rich parents sitting around thinking their kids are awesome. Quite frankly all their kids struck me as intellectual slow even before they went killer.

Of course the only person who really deserved to live was Casey. She wasn’t afraid to kill people trying to kill her. But now she is infected and she is either going to die or kill her mother. Pity since she was the only one who had a brain in the entire group.

Overall the movie wasn’t bad. Just I hate screaming kids. Yay snow!

The Thaw

Between cutting someone’s arm off to pulling maggots out of people to puking up poop this movie was a bit hard to watch. Seriously what was with the poop puke? When demon fleas use you as a host suddenly you puke up poop? I usually don’t lose my appetite when watching gross movies but this was the closest I felt to putting down the snack.

Val…what happened to you? You used to be the God Damn Batman. :( Now you are a fat man trying to “control the people population” by unleashing a killer bug of doom. How the mighty have fallen. Tis sad really.

I always find it amazing that in a group of young people there is always ONE person who has extensive knowledge/experience on tons of relevant issues in the movie. Because when my friends and I were 19 we didn’t know shit. The closest thing we got to a tough guy was a fresh newbie in the military. We didn’t know jack about types of bugs or how to make sure a person doesn’t bleed to death after we hack off their arms or how to fix a helicopter. Kids these days are geniuses.

I was also surprised by the lack of boobies in this movie. XO A nice surprise for me. But overall this movie was forgettable. These fleas are also magical as they have made it to…well somewhere else. Bad global warming BAD.

The Crazies

This movie….was pretty good. If I could build a time machine I would pay to see this movie instead of Nightmare on Elm Street. I guess I never heard anything about it and it slipped my mind. But thank goodness for boring nights with nothing on TV.

Humans always do a great job destroying themselves. As if we don’t have enough ways to die/kill others we have to make a biological weapon that turns people in monsters. And really, this is a BAD plan. Why not make a biological weapon that just KILLS your enemies. It sounds pretty stupid to make people even more dangerous than before when you want to fight them but what do I know? I am reasonable and stuff. I rather protect my troops from harm. That and I have watched enough movies to know that when you fly 99 planes of pillows and cotton candy the one time you ship a lethal bioweapon the plane will crash. ALWAYS.

I really liked how the Chief was like “Dude I won’t question why you aren’t going after your wife if you don’t question why I am going after mine”. You tell that asshole. Granted the asshole died like 24 hours later but still. My husband better go after me!!!

I like how the sickness was a progression not I’m fine LET ME EAT YOUR BRAINS!
Granted this is not a zombie movie but this seemed a lot more realistic than other I am sick/now I am after you movies. I also liked how there were different stages in the “checking if you have the crazies” stations. It seems like a really effective way to make sure no crazies got in with the healthy people. Now some people like the useless town doctor might accidentally get misdiagnosed as a crazy but at least the rest of the world is safe. And their plan would have worked if it wasn’t for those meddling kids! But these soldiers have seen 28 Weeks Later and decided that everyone was going to die after containment was breached. Smart me these soldiers, truly I am impressed.

The rest of the world is doomed though. See our doctor land is so stupid she does NOTHING to make sure her husband isn’t a crazy after he was directly exposed to crazy blood. Because she is dumb. Thanks for killing the entire world. I enjoyed how she was so paranoid about the Deputy being a crazy but she WATCHED her husband practically take a bath in crazy blood and was like I LOVE YOU LET’S MAKE OUT.

The death scenes were pretty gruesome and violent but not to the point where I wanted to puke. That’s how you make a good horror movie. I have seen people talk about how freaked out they were over the pitchfork scene but that was pretty tame considering the rest of the movie. But this was a good horror movie and not a total waste of time. Yay me.

Offspring

MOG. This movie was so gross. You know the scene in The Chainsaw Massacre where the girl pulls the gun out of her vagina? Well congratulations Offspring. You have managed to top that disgusting scene. How does it feel to have that honor? I hope it feels good because really that is what you were going for right? Why else would have little kids TEARING OFF PIECES OF GENITAL WITH FAKE TEETH?! Mog was that even really necessary? My lady bits hurt thinking about it.

Well that was a great opening paragraph right? That basically sums up the movie. Gross. Puke worthy. Unnecessary. Stupid. Do not waste your time.

I am not a bleeding heart so I am not crying tears over the fact that little kids were killed in this movie. Just like in The Children if you are coming at me with a knife or a crazy zombie face I will stab you and not feel bad about it later (well in Perfect World where I am capable of being someone who isn’t crying in the corner). People all boo hooing saying they don’t like movies with dead kids because it reminds them of their kids and MOG won’t someone think of the children?! So that part of the movie didn’t make me sick.

I like how someone who was a normal person who had a normal job produced a clan of people whose language has no sentence structure. Because that is normally what happens when someone goes to live in the woods. They make babies and neglect to teach them their language. Happens ALL THE TIME. Only it doesn’t and it was lame.

So if you want to watch a movie that has no point and is overly violent because there is no plot this movie is for you! Also did I mention that kids were biting off pieces of her vulva? Yeah not good times people.

Surveillance

Someone on IMBd compared this movie to A Perfect Getaway. And I agree. It sucked just like A Perfect Gateway. It promised a twist ending that would BLOW US AWAY and both movies failed to deliver that. And it left me feeling cheating at the end of movie just like A Perfect Getaway.

MOG stupid kid! You watched two crazy cops manhandle your mom and nearly kill your dad. So why the hell did you get out of the car to talk to them?! I understand that kids are trained to trust cops and she wanted someone to know what she saw but COME ON. Then she holds his hand on the way back to the car? Be gone you stupid child.
But no, the kid is the only one who lives out of this cast of misfits. Oh and the baddies. Is that the real twist? But yeah, I don’t think this kid deserved to live. She didn’t TRY to speak up, she went up to the crazy officers after people were attacked, she didn’t cry after her parents died, and she TOLD the baddies she knew they were baddies. She seriously fails at being a human being. I get that most 8 year olds are stupid but come on. She deserved to die.

Still waiting for my twist ending. You can’t say you are going to give me a twist ending and spell out what is going on every step of the way. I mean…MOG I AM SHOCKED AND AMAZED! I never saw that coming! I could have never figured out that the suspicious FBI agents were actually the killers. What a twist. BEST MOVIE EVER!

I am not sure what was more creepy, the wife saying “I’m not having a good time” after watching her husband and son die or the crackhead girl acting like all this was okay. I know she was just trying to stay alive but dude. It was weird. Everyone reacting to everything is this movie was weird. Except maybe the crackhead boyfriend. He had some genuine feelings there.

This movie dragged on for way too long. If you want to watch a movie that has really disgusting cops, a bunch of liars, and a really stupid kid you are in luck! This movie is for you! Enjoy it because I didn’t XD

Um…I am not really sure how I feel about this movie. On one hand I think the ending was really lame and that it was totally cheep to not have zombies for like 90 percent of the movie. But on the other hand I feel as this movie didn’t follow the trend of usual zombie movies so it was slightly refreshing. Then on the other hand (because I am a crazy monster who has three hands) I am tired of being disappointed in all the movies I watch and I really want to like this movie.

End of the Line

This movie was actually pretty good in terms of crappy scifi movies! I was slightly impressed. Of course there is always a bit of eye rolling that it is always a group of teenagers/young people stuck in these dramatic situations. Everyone who was over the age of 25 was killed on the subway while the young people had a chance to have lines and survive. But other than that standard problem it was way better than other movies that I have been rotting my brain on lately.

I think that the crazy cult using the cross as a weapon was a pretty WTF MOMENT. Sorta gives a new meaning to the “The Power of Christ COMPELS YOU” statement. So while I was slightly uncomfortable with the idea of my religious symbol being used in such a way I think it really plays into how crazy these people are. Like we are doing God’s will…by using a cross to kill people. The irony does not escape me.

There was a whole lot of attempted rape in this movie. Like let’s punish a girl for having wavering thoughts and consensual sex but the guy who tries to rape three woman gets a seco…third…FOURTH chance. Sorta amazing there that logic.

I think the most random scene was when the subway dude and his wife died. Like….how about no, this is not a romantic way to die, this is not God’s Will, and where did the baby come from?! X_X You stab a pregnant lady in the stomach and magically the baby falls out off screen? Not stabbed at al. AND IT WAS GROSS LOOKING. This post is fabulous.

I really want to “spoil” something about the show but that’s what I liked about the movie. So pay CLOSE ATTENTION to small details people. SMALL DETAILS!

Stonehenge Apocalypse

This movie was such crap. Such an utter waste of time. I want back my two hours back. Seriously Sci-Fi I wish to sue you. Only I would sue Sci-Fi and it wouldn’t hold up in court because they want to be SyFy now and I will not pander to their stupid ideas that this makes them more edgy or relatable.

But yes, this movie made no sense most of the time. Sorta like the scientific part of the movie was a bunch of writers picking a bunch of “hard” words out of the dictionary and hoping that no one would notice they made NO SENSE at all. Go writers GO!

I also like that Stonehenge could zap people into nothing. Just WHOOSH people turned into shiny colors and they poofed. It made no logical sense but this is coming from a movie that had pyramids fold up nicely…then explode with lava. Like why make something fold up and change shape if all it was going to do was explode anyway.

I think my favorite part of the episode was when the lady at the end was checking 15 newspapers to see if her boyfriend died. She works for this organization that can do all these super duper secret things and no one could drop her a line to tell her the man died? She had to find out from some random reporter who was at Stonehenge at the time of the explosion because that is the ONLY way a normal person would have known? It boggles the mind.

Backwoods

Trying to Google this movie was beyond hard. Also spell check is telling Google is spelled wrong. You suck people. But yeah. I couldn’t remember what the movie was called (sadly some movies didn’t get written down so my list is like 3 movies short this month) and I was like I know the movie had backwoods in it!!!

Okay so about this movie. I totally believe that when there are only 2 members of a video game making firm thingy they are unbelievable hot. I TOTALLY BELIEVE IT! Most of the guys are…okay looking but the girls are hotties. I believe this because Sci-Fi has taught me all female scientists/soldiers are hot. And like tank tops.

I was so sad the black guy didn’t make it. I thought okay he has a chance because they already killed off a minority character and morally he is coming off pretty decent compared to the main douche. But the movie played out its usual formula that only one guy and one girl can survive. BECAUSE OKAY! Also look at me shooting 5 guys with pinpoint accuracy when I have 3 things stabbed through my body. Yeah okay.

This movie really was like Wrong Turn only the hillbilly redneck inbreeds weren’t all ugly and gross looking. Just the rapist. Because they couldn’t pick a more attractive, less threatening person to rape the women. Okay typing that out made no sense as the attractiveness of the rapist doesn’t make the act any less threatening but I feel as if it was..dumb. Like the whole movie but you know.

When in doubt blame the FBI. Also paint guns can take out people who have guns and bows and arrows. I also have learned a new sci-fi rule. Sci-Fi Rule 146: If you call for a park ranger to help you he/she will die moments after getting to your location.

Seamsstress

I had such high hopes for this movie. Me and my girlfriend were cheering when I got off work early because I was able to watch it (should have been a sign if sci-fi wasn’t playing this wonderful movie again). To be let down is so very sad…but since Sci-Fi lets me down every other minute I am use to it.

First off…where are my teenagers? Instead I had a bunch of 30 somethings playing 30 something year olds. XO I cannot wrap my mind around a movie that doesn’t have stupid horny teenagers being killed off. But…since this movie had stupid horny adults in it I guess that is okay. Because I totally believe at the age of 35 men are still jacking off in the woods at the sight of a hot girl. Or a grown man has to have to stop in the middle of sex to take a dump. Gosh teenagers are much more romantic.

The survivor girl was so annoying I wanted her to die. :( Some guy tries to take care of her after she is attacked and apparently that is coming on too strong. Got it. Dumb cow.

I think the stupidest part of the whole movie is randomly the rules have changed. Survivor girl has to kill number 7 even though ghost lady and her boyfriend have spared him? Why is that? Did she get a memo that I didn’t? What the hell is going on that made no sense!!! Oh wait…the entire movie made no sense.

The Hills Run Red

This movie was really trying hard to break all the barriers or something. Like trying to one up Hostel or a Rob Zombie movie but with 100 percent more boobies. The first 12 minutes of the movie couldn’t have fit more vices in it if it tried: serious drug use, strippers, cheating, and GROPING PEOPLE WHEN THEY WERE SLEEPING.

But I think the idea behind the movie was pretty interesting. Some guy and his friends (well his girlfriend and his best friend who is sleeping with his girlfriend) are on an adventure to find the scariest movie ever. I am not sure how the maker of the movie got to be so famous if this was his only movie and it was never released but meh. Details details.

I am not sure there was a point behind making sure Mr. Adventurer and his friends found the maker of the movie. Was the daughter a plant in society to bring further victims to the movie? I am not sure how many people they can get that way the longer their movie isn’t released. Then again we are dealing with crazy people so do they have to make sense?

Although I was kinda wanting the daughter to be a good person. :( But I guess if your father rapes you at age 12 and you have his baby you are messed up for life so…..she isn’t ultra evil. My favorite part of the movie was when the grandson/son spoke. XO A wall was broken people!

Supergator vs Dinocroc

XO EPIC PEOPLE! If you haven’t seen this movie you haven’t LIVED! Really I feel sorry for your empty lives. I weep tears of sorrow for you.

I knew it was going to be an awesome movie when people were running for their lives and had no idea where the danger was. That is my kinda movie. Just “run” people “run”. Also when one of the creatures (I think the Dinocroc) broke out of its containment, that was a thing of gold. It was in this box of a building that was barely big enough to hold it, let alone have space for it to move around and such. I believe!

The monsters were so realistic people. I especially liked the part when someone got nommed but really they just disappeared. If you eat a human from the waist you should still see its legs flailing around. But nope, it just disappeared.

Sadly there was way too much going on in this movie. We have the head of the mega plant making factory and his hot nurse. He hirers some assassins to take out survivors of gator/croc nom fest and generally sits around looking ill. We got some random Cajun who can fly to Hawaii at a moment’s notice. Then we have some blond hair lady that I forgot why she was there and some reporter trying to expose the company for what they really are. Plus we got a tour bus full of stupid people. XO Can’t we just have one group of people trying to survivor the giant monsters?

Things that I have learned from this movie: It is possible to be siblings and one has an obvious foreign accent and the other doesn’t despite them both being raised in the US. If you are about to blow up there will always be a random refrigerator in the field for you to hide in. And that when a huge monster is chasing you in your jeep it makes tons of noise but if you are in the woods it can totally sneak up behind you.

Rottweiler

Do not watch this movie if you value your sanity. Seriously. It makes absolutely no sense.

This movie has a bit of man rape in it. I am not trying to trivialize what he went through as I was pretty horrified when the act first started. But halfway through the act he decided to participate in the act which creeped me out even more. It was totally gross and unnecessary. Sorta like how random boobie shots are usually unnecessary in most horror movies. The rape did nothing to further the plot, it came out of nowhere, and it grossed me out that a child was so close to the act.

What exactly was the dog? A robot? The prequel to Terminators? Why does it exist? Why didn’t the dude bash its head in when it had the chance? Really if I was going to make a robot dog I would make it HUGE dog not a normal shaped dog right?

Also I am not a fan of pointless movies. So when it turns out the girlfriend was dead the entire time I was not impressed. That fact that it was partially his fault makes me even more RARW. Also I guess that means his rape wasn’t all that pointless as his girlfriend was rapped earlier in the movie. The only difference is she was rapped to protect them and he was rapped….and enjoyed the act despite the fact he was looking for said girlfriend.

Really I have no idea why I watched this movie. Don’t make the same mistake please.

I Will Always Know What You Did Last Summer

I….what? What did I just watch? Huh?

This series is not about ghosts people. It is about a guy who got run over by a bunch of kids and wanted revenge. It made a bit of sense at least. Granted fisherman guy had just gotten done committing his own murder so he might not be the reasonable voice of morality but it still MADE SENSE. There was no ghost, the enemy wasn’t unstoppable, and even if he was a ghost why the hell is he killing random kids in a different town anyway?!

All of these kids were douchebags. Except the cute guy who ran the fair booth and might be losing his hair. He was nice. But since he was not a part of the group of 4 he is not a douchebag. All of those kids either had no remorse or acted like what happened was the most horrible thing in THEIR lives. Um I am sorry, are you the dead one? Then no, this isn’t the worse thing ever.

Btw how did the cute booth boy know about the accident/prank? WHEN WAS HE INFORMED?! I don’t understand how half the town knew about this prank gone wrong. Don’t they know how to keep a secret. Also why is the ghost killing the kids? They didn’t force their friend to do the prank. It was a horrible accident, not them leaving some dude to die on the side of the road. They were immature yes but they didn’t kill the kid so I don’t understand why this movie is even taking place.

The death scenes were all kinda boring. And it was a bit boring for them to play up MOG the chief of police is the killer when totally it was a ghost. Which makes more sense because some of the events in the movie could only be possible if it was a supernatural force. Overall meh. MEH people. This is not how you carry on a series.

The Karate Kid

So I think my now everyone knows my tastes in movies tend to be really one sided. And that when it comes to older “classic” movies…yeah. Apparently I am not American because I have seen Top Gun. Or Rocky. Any of the Rocky movies. With that said I haven’t seen the original Karate Kid movies. Any of them. Are there more than two? Yeah anyway. So since I suck as a human being and need better taste in movies I have nothing to compare this new version too.

Although…wasn’t karate involved with the last movie? Making it actually about karate? Kung fo is not karate. This is not the karate kid. But I guess mom couldn’t get a job in Japan so compromises must be made. Words people words.

Now I am not one to nitpick….okay so I am. But…..I saw the kind of apartment mom and notKarate kid were living in before the move. I am just guessing she wasn’t high on the totem pole at CarPlantRUs. Just a guess. So I am just wondering how she was able to get a job in China when she doesn’t speak Chinese and her position is probably…um replaceable by one of the billion people who already live in China? Just wondering how this lucky lady was able to score such a job. Or what the writers were thinking with this weird twist of fate.

Okay so putting aside there is no karate and that this is too magical for words, this awesome job that requires a move across country but not safe/reliable living conditions. WHY ARE THE KIDS 12?!?!? XO I am not watching 12 year olds kiss or get their asses beat. I really hope some of the kids were older than 12 because if not…China has some problems with over grown teenagers.

But on the flip side it was kinda nice to see someone who is the age they are playing a character. Now if they could do that with teenagers…I like how the kid was awkward at times and might have made up his own lines to go along with the script. He wasn’t a tough kid and he did some pretty goofy things. He snuggled up on his mom and tried to cover up his bruises with make-up. Maybe he was a bit hamming at times but it worked for me.

WHY WAS JACKIE CHAN CRYING?! WHY PEOPLE??!?!?

Since I didn’t see the first series of movies I don’t know how the training went in the original. But I guess I am glad that mom was really mad that the only thing her son did wrong in life was throw jackets. GOOD JOB MOM! You saved the movie. My favorite part was controlling the kid with the stick things…although it should hve been longer. And he should have fallen in the water.

Also I totally believe that a hard core traditional SUPER SERIOUS Chinese man would be fine with his daughter being “friends” with a black American. I believe it with all my heart.