Pizza. It brings out the stupid.

Happy Independence Day America. Of course by the time this gets posted in it will be July 5th technically but it’s the thought that counts right? So have fun celebrating the birth of our nation by blowing up a small piece of it.

In celebration of this special day I would like to extend a letter to my fellow Americans. It was originally going to be addressed to the lovely customers who grace themselves with their presence at my shop but in honor of this day I shall extend my love to all. That and I am certain that there are many, many special Americans out there who do the exact same lovely stuff at other pizza restaurants. So the letter should be directed to all.

So my fellow Americans…read my letter and absorb the information. Strive to be the kind and honest people Americans should be known for and not the stupid douche bags that people think we are.





Dear pizza lovers of America

I am happy that you enjoy our pizza. Or that you happen to see our sale flyer and decided to give us a whirl. But please note that our pizza is not made in advance. Our lunch special slices are but not the whole mushroom pizza you called in about 5 minutes ago. With that said is there a reason you are standing at my counter and sighing loudly and dramatically? You were told on the phone that your pizza would be ready in 15-20 minutes. 15-20 minutes is not 5 minutes. So while you are dramatically acting like your pizza is taking MOG forever to cook it isn’t. Nor do I appreciate the fact that you are giving the illusion to other customers that MOG your pizza is taking MOG forever to cook. Sit down in the provided seats and get away from my counter. You staring at the food won’t make it cook any faster.

On that same note my lovely Americans please do not bitch and moan about the said wait time. When you order your food I will tell you the estimated wait time. So if that is unacceptable to you it’s understandable. Well, maybe not understandable but I can see how in a country where you can get 3 minute meals at McDonalds you might be inclined to go somewhere else. But if after being told how long the wait is and you choose to order a pizza please don’t check your watch every 30 seconds and act like you are being so inconvenienced. 15 minutes is 15 minutes. I know time seems to move slower when you are a customer but I promise you it was under 15 minutes. Now please join the other sighing and dramatic customers at a table away from my counter and understand that pizza takes a little longer to cook than some fried nuggets.

If your mom wants to order a pizza, knows what she wants on the pizza, knows where you live, knows the credit card information, and knows your home phone number I suggest you let your mom make the phone call. Because really, the pizza ordering process should not take that long. It also shouldn’t involve you screaming across the room every time I ask for a piece of information only to hear someone scream the answers back at you. From what I could hear her voice was working fine. The person who has the information and the ability to pay for the pizza should order the pizza. But that just might be crazy talk.

When you want extra stuff you actually have to pay for it. I know this is a crazy concept to some of you lovely customers but really, I am going to have to charge you for that extra salad dressing. If my boss was nice enough to give you a side of our most expensive topping for free once I would count my blessings and pay up next time. Perhaps it is a bit of my bosses fault for making our customers like this but you do need to pay for the extras. Bonus points for the people who moan and groan about the economy while asking for free stuff. Clearly you missed the memo about us being a small business.

When it is Friday night, the busiest night of the week for a pizza place, please do not come in and ask for if we are hiring. The answer is no. The answer is NO when you come in when we are swamped, it is 6:30 at night, and you are dressed like a slob. Please act like you care about finding employment. And the answer is still no.

To the crazy family that came in the other day….don’t come back. I thought it was obvious that restaurants require shirts, pants (or something covering your butt) and shoes. But apparently it must be written on the door in huge bold letters. Swim suits are not acceptable coverage for our shop. Especially if you are still soaked wet. If you want to eat in your bathing suit do so at your house or at the beach. We are in the business of making money but we don’t need your half naked family sitting around for 75 minutes while you eat one 8 dollar pizza and drink 5 free waters. Also we don’t need to taking up three tables when the large one would have seated you comfortably. This is not your house, show some respect.

Ladies. I know that we all mature at a different rate but I would like to assume that once mother nature decides to give you the gift of bleeding once a month you are mature enough to handle the clean up process that comes along with said gift. Please do not leave your menstrual blood on the toilet seat as it will make me throw up. Please do not leave your feminine products sticking to the garbage can as that will make want to restrict bathroom privileges for everyone. And please do not DRIP menstrual blood all over the floor! Seriously, that was just beyond gross and I hate you whoever you are. Please die in a fire.

So in conclusion my fellow pizza lovers…..stop and think before you order a pizza. Check to see if you are wearing a shirt, pants, and some shoes. Understand that if you want an extra side of sauce you will have to pony up some cash. And if you are unable to handle the complicated process of removing a tampon please go to someone else’s store and bleed all over their bathrooms. Following these few simple tips will greatly improve the quality of my day and in return I will do my best to
improve the quality of yours. Thank you and good night.

Love

Tenchi, the girl who knows how long 15 minutes really is