Today I had one of those days. Now I have been known to complain…a lot (REALLY?) but seriously. When 483295 things go wrong within thirty minutes of my day, within an hour of me being awake…that is a clear sign that today has been cursed and I should have hidden from the rest of the world.
Edit: Pictures have been fixed. XD
I wake up ready to greet the day with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. Or I wake up, throw my Hello Kitty alarm clock, and moan that I need more sleep. Either way I finally make it to the shower and attempt to wake myself up. I glare at my shampoo bottle as I see an ant crawl across it. An ant. In my shower. It has been one week since these little bastards have shown up and I am at my wits end figuring out what they are getting into. I drown the little sucker and pray that he was just a rogue survivor looking for his dead buddies.
Now…this might sound gross but whatever. I know you do it too. I was planning on wearing the same pants I wore to work yesterday today. I only was at work for like 6 hours and somehow managed to avoid getting pizza sauce and butter all over them. So yeah I was going to wear the pants again. And yes I am a bit of a special person and these pants were located near the edge of my bed.
My feet started to feel itchy but I figured that is because I saw an ant. I crazy myself up and once I see an ant I imagine ant bites everywhere. So I reach my pants and start to put them on when OW!!! MY LEG! I look down and….
What a great way to start the day!
-_____________________- It was like I had fallen into an ant pile. There was that many of them. Horrified I flung them off and slipped my slippers back on to protect my feet. The slippers that were next to my pants all night long….I fling those off too and confirm the itchiness on my feet are actually bites. I leap backwards and survey the situation.
Is this the part where I die?
All the clothes on the floor near the bed…are covered in ants. I move them aside carefully and it is like a SciFi movie. Of course since it is on SciFi (sorry SyFy) it would have a lame name like Ant Terror or When Ants Attack. Maybe Ants on the Floor. Whatever it is called that is what it was like. Ants on ants, crawling up my wall trying to eat my soul.
Once I stop cursing my situation I realize that it is time to put on my big girl pants (but not those) and handle this situation and fast as time is ticking. I run and grab one of the ant traps that is in one of the more obscure locations and plop it in the middle of the mess. I take the clothes and drown those suckers in the washing machine.
So now I need to procure new pants as two pants have been infected with Giant Ants from Hell. I am walking to find said pants when I feel something wet in between my toes. Toes that are in slippers every minute I am in this house. Toes that should be protected from wet things. Toes that just stepped in cat puke.
Cat puke completes my covered in ant bites look.
-_- My cat throws up. A lot. This is a given. But after spending 200 dollars at the vet and spending 17 dollars a bag (4 pound bag) for some fancy tummy sensitive food and spending 18 dollars on a prescription of thyroid help me not puke pills I was delusional enough to think that maybe, just maybe the puking would stop. HOW DARE I HAVE HOPES AND DREAMS! Here on the floor, under my innocent toes was the remains of some very overpriced cat food. The crowning second in this moment of -_- was when said puking cat came over and meowed…as his food dish was empty.
So after this ant problem and puke situation I was running late. But in true Tenchi fashion I had enough time to swallow some food and brush my teeth. And find some pants. All was going well. I was going to make it on time. As in I would pull up in the parking lot at 11:29:50 and I would make a mad dash to the door.
But this is my life. Right as I was walking out the door I hear a horrible noise. Like someone’s last dying breath after being eaten by Mutant Zombie Ants. I rush in and see my cat gagging. Not puking but gasping for air and looking freaked out. The other cat stared in horror and was generally was no help. Neither was I with my DON’T DIE BABY! Screaming was probably not the best idea as that scared him into running under the bed (you know, near all the ants) and gagging the whole way. I had the pleasure in maneuvering him out from under the bed…where he puked on the floor. And went on his merry way like nothing happened. -_- Yeah I was going to be late.
But I was going to try and minimize the lateness. There is very little give room in how long it takes me to get to work. It depends on the people in front of me and how much they are willing to speed. And they weren’t today. But soon some slow people turned off and we were finally able to go the damn speed limit when DISASTER STRIKES!
You're all going to die down here.
I know this diagram is the most awesome picture you have ever seen in your entire life. But let me explain it to those who fail to see my artist talent. Me and this little red car were just cruising along at 45. There is a neighborhood to the left of us that can cross over into our lane WHEN IT IS SAFE. Apparently Mr. Blue SUV decided that safe in his book meant cutting across traffic into our lane two feet in front of the red car. And I am not saying he turned in front of the red car and we had to slow down to accommodate him and it was mildly annoying. As in we had to slam on our breaks as Mr. Blue SUV almost HIT the red car. X_X Forget the Hell Ants, crazy drivers are going to kill me before then.
Now when most people piss me off on the road (with the exemption of that man who screamed at me in the parking lot) they do their very dangerous/stupid thing and I never see them again. Not with Mr. Blue SUV man. All three of us are heading in the same direction and we all empty out into the main road. Red car and I get into the left lane, the faster lane while Mr. Blue SUV gets in the right lane. I was thinking YES I can speed away from this asshat and flick him off hehehe. Because I am very mature about car situations.
Sorry to be in your way. Feel free to run me over.
Of course this is my life and that doesn’t happen. The red car speeds away from Mr. Blue SUV and I am on my way to passing him. Suddenly all I see is blue, blue coming at me and fast. Instinct kicked in faster than anger and I honked the horn out of fear (yes, there are fear honks and PISSED OFF HONKS). Home boy got out of my lane and back into his. And then the rage sets in. Seriously can this dude not MOG WHAT THE FUCK?!
10 seconds later he tries to do it again! I mean, I would draw the situation out but it is identical to the first one. Only that he had his signal on. BECAUSE CLEARLY THAT MAKES IT OKAY. Wtf?! SERIOUSLY?!?!? I lay on the horn and it is wild hand gestures time. He gets the clue and gets back in his lane. But I am pissed. This asshole has tried to kill me three times now?! It is on like Donkey Kong. I am chasing this asshole down the street, cutting him off, driving 2 miles an hour, and becoming the bitch to end all bitch.
Does any of this happen? No. Because before I can cut him off he gets behind me…and makes a U-Turn. Back in the direction we just came from. Justice was not mine. And this asshole lives another day to try and kill someone else. Plus home boy was old. He probably didn’t even know I was upset. It comforted me very little when I saw the handicapped tag in his window. I hate you DMV.
So I get to work at 11:32 which I think is a miracle. But I have a delivery up and it is minutes from being late. It is time to strap some rockets to my butt and fly. In my mind I am working up one of my try and true excuses to get myself out of the impending rage. I get to the familiar house and decide that engaging in small talk would be my best bet. Now every time I go to this house two huge dogs try to eat me and my delivery bag. I prepare myself for that. This time…it is only one dog. Because I am a friggin moron I tease the doggie and ask where its big bad friend was and why he was so quiet. Do you want to know where its big bad friend is?
In heaven. The ground. Dead.
-_- Why am I such a moron?
Please note this all took place within a 30 minute time frame (more or less). Can I go back home now and start this day over?
Apparently not. I was told to HURRY UP to my next delivery…even though I was being told what to pick up at the store. I mean, I should have just left without hearing what I needed. Who needs an actual shopping list? Later I burnt two of my knuckles on the oven. I got the whole SUCK IT UP speech. Lovely. My husband calls and tells me there is no evidence of the ants near the bed at all. Which I guess is good in a sense the traps killed them. But it is bad in the sense that I look like a crazy person or they might be hiding like Demon Ants tend to do.
But the crowning moment of my day was my very last delivery. I was already not very happy about it as it was 8:20 (we close at 8:00) and I have a mountain of dishes to do. But there is a guaranteed tip with this one so off I go.
You know you are jealous of my car. Jealous.
Or not. Apparently the term is ghetto car. To me it is just a car that is…nearly touching the ground on one side. But after I sighed dramatically and stomped back into the store I was informed it was a ghetto lean. Whatever the hell that means. All I know is that the tire on my car, the tire that is dead WAS my spare tire. A few months ago I had an “egg” on one of my tires and my boss put my spare tire (my spare tire is/was a real tire) on and put the egg tire back in the trunk. Apparently you can drive with an egg tire but not very fast and not for very long. -_- It is 9:25, the end is near right?
But as you can see I have made it home safely. My momma came and rescued me. I have her car and she has my egg car as she lives much closer to the store than I do. But not after I was “lectured” on how I should have gotten a new spare tire months ago and BLAH BLAH take care of your car BLAH BLAH. It was hard to hear all that crap when all I was thinking was…goodbye tip money I just made. I hardly knew thee.
I have only seen one Demon Ant since returning head but my husband assures me he set 22 traps all around the house. That might be overkill but I don’t care. I gave the puke cat some special attention since I was worried about him and that resulted in his hissing in my face. I washed the flour dough and pepperoni oil off me…and set to work on making you all some awesome pictures. Don’t you feel honored?!??!
AFO…you aren’t coming fast enough. After a day like today I need a vacation and now. Here’s to hoping that tomorrow is better than today. I would even settle for half as bad at this point. Wish me luck as I go sleep my sleeps in the bed…near the scene of the crime.
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