Saturday, July 4, 2009

Pizza. It brings out the stupid.

Happy Independence Day America. Of course by the time this gets posted in it will be July 5th technically but it’s the thought that counts right? So have fun celebrating the birth of our nation by blowing up a small piece of it.

In celebration of this special day I would like to extend a letter to my fellow Americans. It was originally going to be addressed to the lovely customers who grace themselves with their presence at my shop but in honor of this day I shall extend my love to all. That and I am certain that there are many, many special Americans out there who do the exact same lovely stuff at other pizza restaurants. So the letter should be directed to all.

So my fellow Americans…read my letter and absorb the information. Strive to be the kind and honest people Americans should be known for and not the stupid douche bags that people think we are.

Dear pizza lovers of America

I am happy that you enjoy our pizza. Or that you happen to see our sale flyer and decided to give us a whirl. But please note that our pizza is not made in advance. Our lunch special slices are but not the whole mushroom pizza you called in about 5 minutes ago. With that said is there a reason you are standing at my counter and sighing loudly and dramatically? You were told on the phone that your pizza would be ready in 15-20 minutes. 15-20 minutes is not 5 minutes. So while you are dramatically acting like your pizza is taking MOG forever to cook it isn’t. Nor do I appreciate the fact that you are giving the illusion to other customers that MOG your pizza is taking MOG forever to cook. Sit down in the provided seats and get away from my counter. You staring at the food won’t make it cook any faster.

On that same note my lovely Americans please do not bitch and moan about the said wait time. When you order your food I will tell you the estimated wait time. So if that is unacceptable to you it’s understandable. Well, maybe not understandable but I can see how in a country where you can get 3 minute meals at McDonalds you might be inclined to go somewhere else. But if after being told how long the wait is and you choose to order a pizza please don’t check your watch every 30 seconds and act like you are being so inconvenienced. 15 minutes is 15 minutes. I know time seems to move slower when you are a customer but I promise you it was under 15 minutes. Now please join the other sighing and dramatic customers at a table away from my counter and understand that pizza takes a little longer to cook than some fried nuggets.

If your mom wants to order a pizza, knows what she wants on the pizza, knows where you live, knows the credit card information, and knows your home phone number I suggest you let your mom make the phone call. Because really, the pizza ordering process should not take that long. It also shouldn’t involve you screaming across the room every time I ask for a piece of information only to hear someone scream the answers back at you. From what I could hear her voice was working fine. The person who has the information and the ability to pay for the pizza should order the pizza. But that just might be crazy talk.

When you want extra stuff you actually have to pay for it. I know this is a crazy concept to some of you lovely customers but really, I am going to have to charge you for that extra salad dressing. If my boss was nice enough to give you a side of our most expensive topping for free once I would count my blessings and pay up next time. Perhaps it is a bit of my bosses fault for making our customers like this but you do need to pay for the extras. Bonus points for the people who moan and groan about the economy while asking for free stuff. Clearly you missed the memo about us being a small business.

When it is Friday night, the busiest night of the week for a pizza place, please do not come in and ask for if we are hiring. The answer is no. The answer is NO when you come in when we are swamped, it is 6:30 at night, and you are dressed like a slob. Please act like you care about finding employment. And the answer is still no.

To the crazy family that came in the other day….don’t come back. I thought it was obvious that restaurants require shirts, pants (or something covering your butt) and shoes. But apparently it must be written on the door in huge bold letters. Swim suits are not acceptable coverage for our shop. Especially if you are still soaked wet. If you want to eat in your bathing suit do so at your house or at the beach. We are in the business of making money but we don’t need your half naked family sitting around for 75 minutes while you eat one 8 dollar pizza and drink 5 free waters. Also we don’t need to taking up three tables when the large one would have seated you comfortably. This is not your house, show some respect.

Ladies. I know that we all mature at a different rate but I would like to assume that once mother nature decides to give you the gift of bleeding once a month you are mature enough to handle the clean up process that comes along with said gift. Please do not leave your menstrual blood on the toilet seat as it will make me throw up. Please do not leave your feminine products sticking to the garbage can as that will make want to restrict bathroom privileges for everyone. And please do not DRIP menstrual blood all over the floor! Seriously, that was just beyond gross and I hate you whoever you are. Please die in a fire.

So in conclusion my fellow pizza lovers…..stop and think before you order a pizza. Check to see if you are wearing a shirt, pants, and some shoes. Understand that if you want an extra side of sauce you will have to pony up some cash. And if you are unable to handle the complicated process of removing a tampon please go to someone else’s store and bleed all over their bathrooms. Following these few simple tips will greatly improve the quality of my day and in return I will do my best to
improve the quality of yours. Thank you and good night.


Tenchi, the girl who knows how long 15 minutes really is


Karen said...

Ouch. I hate it when that happens. Sounds like a really hard day :( You should get some pizza-free hot cocoa STAT!

Christina said...

Karen-I think I was doing okay (or keeping the rage under control) until the bathroom incident. You know when you are working hard and are putting off going into the bathroom? Well, that is what happened and BAM that is what I discover. :( I hate having only only one bathroom in the entire store. Not only did I have to clean that up before I went to the bathroom...but it made me sick and almost have to use the bathroom for a different reason.

chiisai_kitty said...

Once again, I feel your pain.

Ice Cream brings out the stupid as well.

The establishment I work at (or at least will be for the next 2 1/2 weeks...yay college), isn't like a 'pull a level for ice cream' kind of place, or even a 'just straight ice cream in a cup or cone' type place. And for some reason, our customers don't get that, despite the fact that they come to our store, specifically because we're not one of the aforementioned types of ice cream joints. That's the only reason I could think to justify paying 5 bucks for a dish of ice cream. Our customers also don't understand the concept of paying for extra stuff, like toppings/mixins. While our menu is quite cryptic, I will admit, it seems to make sense that something with 2 toppings is not equivalent to something with 10.

Our bathrooms are another thing. And I happen to be the only person that works at my job that's not petrified to go and clean them. Probably because I used to clean apartments between tenants, which was waaaay worse. As far as public bathrooms go, ours are not that bad, which I could probably attribute to the fact that they're single stall and our place is still fairly new. It's mostly the fact that everyone else I work will feels the need to be afraid and pass off the responsibility when I'm working.

Back to the stupid, I had a woman come in the other day when we were fairly slow, walk up to the counter, and go "so this is your ice cream?" I had been having a fairly craptastic couple of hours before this occurred, and it was all I could do not to go "no, that's just a figment of your imagination".

Another woman came up to the counter asking for a cup of water, which I happily gave her. Now our free cups of water are tap in plastic cups that are actually lids. So I give her the cup and she goes, "can I have more than that, i'm really thirsty". so i gave her more, even though I wanted to say, 'if you wanted a more significant amount of water, buy a bottle, it's only like a dollar'....which is the same thing I want to say to people who get free water and complain about its taste.

Christina said...

Chiisai_kitty- i HATE IT when customers walk in and i greet them and ask what they want and they say Pizza. REALLY?! You want PIZZA?! Oh boy what a FUNNY FUNNY JOKE??!?!? But i say smile and simply say it is a good thing you are in a pizza restaurant cause being fired is no fun.

extra toppings=extra money?! THIS IS SHOCKING!! i mean, people who pay 5 dollars for ice cream deserve 5 dollars of free toppings. Didn't you get the memo?!

i hate giving out free waters. our water is attached to the lemonade button (self serve) so i know there are some who get a free real drink out of the deal. you know, with their free side of sauce and extra EXTRA cheese.