MOG WOOHOO!!!! Look at that! The United States made a last minute goal to win the match and the sense of national pride surging through me exited through my hands in the form of a fist pump!
Here are some artist renderings of what I have learned about soccer in the past two weeks or so. These artist renderings took 3 hours because I have skill. Here is a normal soccer player running around and hitting the ball with his head. It doesn't matter how fast the ball is going. He hits it every time and it doesn't hurt. He just keeps right on playing.
Here are two soccer players trying to get control of the ball. They are not moving very fast and brush up against each other trying to get the ball.
Suddenly and each and every time this happens one party falls to the ground in indescribable pain, unable to move properly for the rest of the play. The amount of tears and pained faces increases if said party has no goals or they are winning and needing to waste time on the clock.
Because all the players are men and real men don't cry the officials know these man tears are real and yellow cards the other guy. The other guy gets really mad because he was trying to play the game and not hurt the other player and if he was going to get in trouble anyway he should have played harder. Insert grumblings and glares across team lines.
Here is a soccer player obviously in control of the ball. A player from the other team comes out of nowhere and does something unsoccer related and obviously aggressive as if they are all brightly colored ninjas instead of soccer players.
The hit player is unable to defend himself as he is actually hurt on the ground. The rest of his teammates drink Powerade because there are no commercials during the World Cup and sponsors need to get paid. Despite the infraction being obvious the other team has to have a hissy fit when a yellow or rare red card is given out. One player pretends to be reasonable and pleads for understanding, that heads are round so their player got confused. The official doesn't care and the crowd screams ole.