Tuesday, June 24, 2014

The World Cup Tenchi Style

Hello there my lovely readers. I am going to let you in on a little secret.....I am not a big sports fan. Shocking I know. I have never, ever watched a football (American) game in it's entirity. I guess if you were to add up all the minutes I have accidentally watched of major sports in the United States it might equal a minute. More if you count some sports movies that I have watched (might have been a major Mighty Ducks girl in my day). When the Olympics rolls around every two years I watch as much of the coverage I can then I crawl back to my couch and return to my potato ways with reality shows and anime episodes.
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World Cup? But I thought we only liked the Olympics...
The husband threw me a curve ball this year. Turns out he LOVES the World Cup. Not sure where this came from as I have known him for 15 years, been with him for 13 years, and been married for 8 years at this point. So yeah...the picture above depicts how I reacted to the news that my husband was planning on watching as many games as possible on our big TV in the living room for the next month. Will I be banished to the bedroom/tiny TV, alone and forgotten all that time?! Lets find out. X___X
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MOG WOOHOO!!!! Look at that! The United States made a last minute goal to win the match and the sense of national pride surging through me exited through my hands in the form of a fist pump!
Yeah.....clearly I have been taking over by monsters guys. I am actually LEARNING about soccer and have preferences to commentators and officials. Life is scary in my head right now.
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Here are some artist renderings of what I have learned about soccer in the past two weeks or so. These artist renderings took 3 hours because I have skill. Here is a normal soccer player running around and hitting the ball with his head. It doesn't matter how fast the ball is going. He hits it every time and it doesn't hurt. He just keeps right on playing.
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Here are two soccer players trying to get control of the ball. They are not moving very fast and brush up against each other trying to get the ball.
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Suddenly and each and every time this happens one party falls to the ground in indescribable pain, unable to move properly for the rest of the play. The amount of tears and pained faces increases if said party has no goals or they are winning and needing to waste time on the clock.
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Because all the players are men and real men don't cry the officials know these man tears are real and yellow cards the other guy. The other guy gets really mad because he was trying to play the game and not hurt the other player and if he was going to get in trouble anyway he should have played harder. Insert grumblings and glares across team lines.
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Here is a soccer player obviously in control of the ball. A player from the other team comes out of nowhere and does something unsoccer related and obviously aggressive as if they are all brightly colored ninjas instead of soccer players.
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The hit player is unable to defend himself as he is actually hurt on the ground. The rest of his teammates drink Powerade because there are no commercials during the World Cup and sponsors need to get paid. Despite the infraction being obvious the other team has to have a hissy fit when a yellow or rare red card is given out. One player pretends to be reasonable and pleads for understanding, that heads are round so their player got confused. The official doesn't care and the crowd screams ole.
And this folks...is soccer. Or fotball as the rest of the world calls it. I assumed that football (American) was the stupidest sport in the rule with all the stopping and rules and barley any action. I had no idea that the World Cup was actually the Crybaby Olympics played by grown men with mix matched shoes and the magically ability to heal themselves once it was advantageous to their team. Off sides, kicking it out of play on purpose, man tears. All of it! Yet.....I have been sucked in, giving my husband updates when he misses games from work and screaming at the outrage on my TV. There is no hope for me folks. Leave me behind as I randomly scream THEY ARE GOING TO BUILD A STATUE FOR HIM!

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