Friday, August 14, 2009

When a car becomes a boat...

The following will be a rant about my co-workers and a hilarious account of how the rain nearly washed away my car and the pizzeria. It will include graphic pictures and strong language. Viewer discretion is advised.

This is also written without cake. I ate all my delicious cake yesterday and the day I actually need some….my fridge is void of cake. Be aware of my sadness as well. Or possible rage due to the lack of chocolaty goodness.

I’ll start off with my co-worker rant as it is less fun and doesn’t include any pictures. Well it could but do you really want to see a stick figure drowning it a pool of its own stick figure blood?


Since you asked nicely...

Let’s call this co-worker Jimmy in the off chance he will one day be able to both operate and afford a computer and hunt this site down. The chances of that are slim to none. Jimmy is a useless piece of shit. I have never worked with someone so lazy before. Well I have but now he is number one on that list (I never thought the top person would ever get bumped off but clearly I was wrong).

The point is every time I see Jimmy I want to stab him in the face and throw him off a bridge. He claims to have some sort of disorder but at the most he might have ADHD. Something totally treatable and nothing life threatening. That is if he even has THAT. All I see in him is a kid with an attitude. He doesn’t understand the concept of different people being in charge of the store/employees. He only listens to the owner and no one else, not even the manager of the pizzeria and people who clearly know more than this scum bag.

Jimmy is the same co-worker in this story here. But he seems to have gotten over this SICKNESS and is still beyond lazy. So…could he have been faking that last time and he did have the energy to work and he is always this lazy? I think the answer is yes. And I hope he dies in a fire.

Jimmy can’t stand me. I am one of two people who calls him out on his shit. Everyone else ignores Jimmy and makes excuses for him. “That’s just the way Jimmy is”. Really, Jimmy is always this lazy? Jimmy is always this rude? Jimmy is always this useless? Then why does Jimmy work here still?! I am invoking BUT THE ECONOMY IS BAD phrase. If the economy is SO BAD that people are losing their jobs left and right why employ this asshat when there are plenty of people out there who would actually do his job (or the one he is supposed to do) and do so without all the attitude. Oh wait we like giving people 5th chances at my store.

So yesterday asshat comes in. Only he almost didn’t. Despite the fact he is always calling to see when he can come in to work, the actual days he work he always calls in saying his has car troubles. It is truely very magical. So Jimmy doesn’t get to work until 30 minutes past the time he was scheduled to. Then he had to take a trip next door to get something to eat. All typical Jimmy behavior.

Another co-worker was supposed to go home once Jimmy arrived at work. She ended up staying all night because Jimmy didn’t do anything. I think he topped two pizzas and stood at the end of the make-line out of sight the rest of the night. Just standing
there watching us all do his job.

The crowning moment though, the moment that made me want to drop kick this little asshat was when my manager told Jimmy to do a simple task. Something a 4 year old could do. Throw out the dough that had gotten way too big and unable to use. Now I will have to give him one inch of credit. He did manage to get the dough into the dumpster like he was instructed to. But later that night when I was randomly in the walk in I noticed a huge pile of empty trays. This little idiot took the dough out of the trays…and left the dirty ones in the walk in. I had just gotten done with a huge stack of dishes and was doing the WOOT no more dishes for a while dance and I come across that mess? I saw red.

When I confronted this little idiot his excuse was “no one told me to put the dirty trays near the sink”.


When you drop a glass on the floor do you only clean up the spill or do you also clean up the broken glass?! Seriously people. It’s not that hard. How the hell does he function as a human being if he can’t put two and two together?!

Frustrated at the situation I muttered that I work with the laziest people on the face of the planet. Jimmy overheard me and said I KNOW you ain’t talking about me. I laughed. Laughed in his face. Is he seriously that delusional?

The answer is yes by the way. He later complained to another co-worker that he hates working with me because I call him lazy and am so mean to him. The other co-worker blinked and said…well you are lazy Jimmy. You always have been. XD

In conclusion I hate you Jimmy. I can’t wait until you get a job out in the real world (because we live in the Twilight Zone people) and find out what MEAN really is. That you actually have to listen to people and do the job you are paid to do. SUFFER!

On to today. The day that God almost took back his promise about not flooding the Earth again.

It started off a bright and scorching day. But if you live in Florida you know it can be sunshine and fried eggs one minute and hurricane like winds and rain the next. Today was one of those days. It went from a customer saying wow it looks like rain to MOG BUILD AN ARK.

It came down in sheets. Or maybe a huge block of water. We could barely see the street and parking lot after 2 minutes. When cars tried to drive on the main street it was like a wave at a water park. Even if you car was parked right next to the building you would be soaked in 5 seconds flat.

While staring at this scary rain I heard a weird noise. Like maybe a busted pipe? I turn the corner to see what the noise could be and my face actually did this X_X. The back door was covered in water. Only the door was locked and closed and shouldn’t be dripping water. It was like that scene out of Dark Water only it was actually scary. Maybe the noise I heard was the scifi music starting to play in the background.


I know this picture conveys how scary the situation felt. I just know it.

Then the power went out.

That’s right. After the water starts pouring down the door all horror movie style the lights go off. I will give myself a cookie for not screaming. Even though I was in front of said demon door and in the darkest part of the store. I made my way to the front where Jimmy declared this situation cool. Did I mention I wanted to drop kick this kid? The next ten minutes were spent with the power going in and out and everyone trying to get ready for the rush (all this happening on a Friday night makes it even more awesome) and trying to contact the few straggler co-workers to warn them not to come in (which they did anyway since they were on their way).

After all this nonsense one of my co-workers looked out into the parking lot…and said the water level looked kinda high. I thought he was exaggerated until I saw him run outside to move his car. The water went halfway up to his knees. Shit just got real folks.

Shit got even realer when I realized that MY car was parked right next to his. Apparently we couldn’t see into the parking lot that well with other cars parked in front of the store and the buckets of rain. But after I went outside it was pretty clear that my car was swimming in the parking lot.

Here is an artist rendering of what my car looked like in the parking lot.


Behold my mad drawing skills.

It might be hard to tell by my awesome picture but half of my tires were submerged in water. Cold unforgiving water that was seeking to eat my car. Water that apparently destroys your car if it touches the engine (thanks random bystander for those comforting words). The thought of going in that water and spending the next 4 hours soaked to save my car was not very comforting.

However since I have boobs and wear Hello Kitty shirts I am immune from such perils. A co-worker went out there and nearly waded in the rain water to rescue my car and move it to a safer part of the parking lot. Many thanks to this co-worker and the other co-worker who saved my brother’s car.

My car and four other employee cars were in the parking lot. They were in one lane and I was in the one closer to the store (but all in the same isle). Out of all these cars guess whose car had 2 inches of water already inside at the time of the rescue.

If you guess one of my co-workers you clearly don’t know my luck.

I was told if my car had been out there a minute longer the engine would have flooded and byebye car. So I am very grateful I don’t have to pay for another money sucking machine. However…when one is told that the entire floor to their car has a giant puddle in it, it’s hard to see the bright side.

It was decided since my car apparently is LOW TO THE GROUND I would not be delivering pizzas tonight. I am not sure why we were delivery pizzas at all given that The Flood Part 2 was going on outside. Many neighborhoods were flooded and accidents were everywhere. You would also think that people would not want to put other human beings in danger so they can have a pepperoni pizza but you would be wrong. You would also be wrong if you think that these people would then tip well given the fact that we had to kayak their pizzas to their house, where they are warm and safe and dry. A dollar is a shitty tip any other time. Given the circumstances it might as well have been nothing.

I would also like to give a shout out to the assholes who were all pissy that our delivery times were bumped up to an hour. Sorry that we want to have our co-workers alive and drive safely. And I am also sorry there are tons of jerks out there who want to have their pizzas delivered when the Atlantic Ocean was dumped in our city. You are going to have to wait. You want a shorter wait time? You go hail a boat and come pick up the stupid pizza yourself jerk!

The store closes at 9. I got home at 11 tonight. I spent 90 minutes with my mother sucking the water out of my car. And it is still pretty wet. Needless to say I am tired and that is why this post is posted so late. But it could have been worse people. My car could have been wrecked. Jimmy could have been there all day with me. Someone could have gotten hurt driving pizzas to crack heads. For that I am grateful that everything turned out okay minus my car swimming in the parking lot.

But I seriously have the worst luck ever people. That or a very interesting/amusing life.

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