Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Perfect Getaway: A perfect waste of money

Like everyone else I have been seeing previews for The Perfect Getaway for the past month or so. And like everyone else I wondered what this TWIST could be. It seems a lot of movies lately have been hyping up their ending to convince movie goers to come see their movies. The art of letting the movie speak for itself is obviously dead.


It's like Harper's Island but only two hours long!

Being the special person I am I made my own opinions on what this TWIST I WOULDN’T BELIEVE would be. Let’s review the brief description of the movie that was floating around the web before the release of this fail err I mean film:

Cliff and Cydney are an adventurous young couple celebrating their honeymoon by backpacking to one of the most beautiful, and remote, beaches in Hawaii. Hiking the wild, secluded trails, they believe they've found paradise. But when the pair comes across a group of frightened hikers discussing the horrifying murder of another newlywed couple on the islands, they begin to question whether they should turn back. Unsure whether to stay or flee, Cliff and Cydney join up with two other couples, and things begin to go terrifyingly wrong. Far from civilization or rescue, everyone begins to look like a threat and nobody knows whom to trust. Paradise becomes hell on earth as a brutal battle for survival begins...

So with this information we can conclude two of these six people are the murderers. When you watch the previews on TV they make Cliff and Cydney out to be the nice couple, Nick and Gina the weird couple, and Cleo and Kale the BAD couple. And since the movie promos kept going on and on about the twist the most logical MOG would be have the good couple be the killers right?! But that can’t be it since it is the most obvious twist right? So really it has to be none of these people are the killers and it is really the smoke monster on LOST? The cake is a lie? Jigsaw did it?! TELL ME NOW!

Are you ready to learn the biggest twist this side of the Sixth Sense? The twist that people will be talking about for weeks? The twist you have to see to believe?! GET READY TO BE AMAZED!

It was the good couple.

I will give you a few minutes to recover from that mind blowing information.


The most undramatical scene of MOGness ever.

I think the movie would have been more successful had the studio not gone insane with how they were plugging their show. They went over the top with their promotion and that really ruined people’s expectations of the movie. If you tell people to expect a twist they will start thinking of outrageous things and will anticipate the best twist ever. Once they see this movie and realize that the twist was…pretty much common sense people will be disappointed. And possibly riot in the streets.

The movie also might have been more successful if they hadn’t lead people on about what the movie was about. From the clips on TV and the information on the web it appeared that there would be three couples alone in this paradise setting. The alone part never happened. Help was easily available as there were areas that cell phones worked and the beach was only a few miles away. Granted the help got their head’s blown away but still. It wasn’t out in the middle of nowhere like it appeared to be in the clips.


Who are you people on the bottom?

The plot also didn’t focus on three couples. It only centered on Cliff and Cydney (the good couple) and Nick and Gina (the weird couple). The bad couple had two scenes in the entire movie and were almost side dressing. I think it was very misleading that the movie poster and clips made it seem like the three couples were all interacting and that it was going to be 6 suspects all turning on each other rather than just the 4.

And the way that Kale and Cleo were portrayed in the promo clips was off as well. Yes Kale was an ass. But he was only an ass because Cliff was being polite rude and Kale picked up on that. Granted if I was to pick one guy out of that group who would be a wife beater it would have been Kale. But all we see of this couple is them not getting a ride from Cliff and Cydney and BAM the next time we see them Cliff has informed someone to arrest them. Yeah so all those scenes you saw in the promo of Cleo being a weird free spirit and Kale being a threatening bully…that is ALL their scenes. There was no joining up and there was never any question that they were the murderers. It happened way too early in the movie and this movie promised a twist. True Cleo and Kale could have come back in a helicopter and shot them all down and that would have shocked me. But that is about it.


We're walking...and we're walking....and more walking...

The movie also might have been more successful if they hadn’t have exaggerated the action scenes. You can take all the scenes in the promo clip, add one minute on to that time, and that is ALL THE ACTION YOU GET. It was seriously about 65 minutes of let’s get to know each other and WOW aren’t they weird. Then it was about 10 minutes explaining why Cliff and Cydney were the bad guys (because they COULD how awesome is that). The last remaining minutes of the show were devoted to shooting Nick and Gina running to get help. It wasn’t really a battle to survive and the fighting/action was barely there. The suspense wasn’t built up and you almost want Cliff to kill Nick for being a jerk at this point.

What I am saying is that The Perfect Getaway was the biggest let down in terms of how it was marketed and presented to the public. All this garbage about the biggest twist ever and an action thriller makes you hyped up to see something amazing. If I had paid to see this movie I would be saying it was the biggest waste of cash since Vanilla Sky. But I didn’t pay to see this movie and Vanilla Sky still sucks beyond sucks. So I will just stick with the greatest waste of time this summer since that is more accurate.

I think I was also disappointed in Milla’s decision to be in this movie. She could have been out shooting Resident Evil 4 so I could see that sooner rather than filming that big mess. Instead she had to play a crazy girl pretending to be a cheesy newlywed. That makes an awful combination. I wanted to smack her ten minutes into the movie with how over the top she was being. I have been on a honeymoon too sweetheart and it while it is a nice vacation with your new spouse it isn’t…well whatever Milla was doing all over my computer screen. Blow job in the car indeed. Get back to shooting zombies right now!

This movie spent way too much time getting to know the characters and showing us how all 4 of them have serial killer personalities. You expect Nick to be the crazy murderer with how he goes on and on about stupid crap so right off the bat you rule him out because MOG there is a twist remember?!Gina has the fakest redneck accent of all times and she tries way too hard to be the tough girl. It was amusing to see her almost lose it at the end. Again Cydney was way over the top with her happiness as a newlywed and I question her sanity to want to hook up with such weird people. Then you realize she is in love with a serial killer and know that she is one cupcake short of a dozen. The biggest let down is Cliff. I would have appreciated the story more if Cliff had a real reason why he killed the real newlyweds or why he wanted to kill anyone. But no he wants to kill people so he can be them! He wants to be 100 different people ya’ll. Isn’t that amazing? Almost as amazing as the whole killing a dog during sex story amazing.

In conclusion….this movie was boring. Don’t believe the people out there who say it was amazing and full of surprises and shocks. They must have a low expectation of what a twist is supposed to be. This movie took way too long to get to the point and was full of useless details. Did we need to spend that much time focusing on how many stupid things Nick does in life? No just talk about the plate in his head and move on. Oh Cliff you were so clever with your use of the word Framing and planting the teeth on the Cloe and Kale. Thank you random skanky teenagers for informing us there are serial killers out in them woods so we can have some plot.

In other words it was the perfect way to get you away from your money. Nothing more. I am sure Final Destination 4 (or whatever it is called) will be a better waste of money.

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