Also due to the fact that LOST has taken over my life my Uragiri wa Boku no Namae wo Shitteiru post shall be up tomorrow. I was going to take a break but things got really X_X and I was unable to break away. Sorry Uragiri wa Boku no Namae wo Shitteiru. :( Tomorrow. I promise.
Included in this post are the following movies:
Flu Bird Horror
Mongolian Death Worm
How to Train Your Dragon
House of the Devil
Nightmare on Elm Street
Legion
Dance of the Dead
Night Living Dead
Resident Evil: Degeneration
Flu Bird Horror
I know I watched bits and pieces of this movie before but I was lucky (?) enough to watch the entire thing in one sitting. Even though it was hard getting past the really dumb name. Flu Bird? Not Bird Flu? Really now? Is Bird Flu a copy righted phrase or something? Craziness. Also you’re fired.
The demon birds were laughable. It reminds me of the infected in Quarantine (which played like 68737 times this month awesome). Like okay you have a disease. So now you look like a troll? No I don’t think so. These birds were already Sci-Fi enough by being some sort of ancient dinosaur/Dark Crystal birds. I totally knew these birds looked familiar and it just came to me just now. I am so excited! But yeah. You can’t be Dark Crystal birds and have an infectious disease. Also I just realized that the movie Dark Crystal is like 27 years old. I feel old.
The stereotypical characters were awesome. We don’t even have any “good” guys to root for as these are all “bad kids”. Of course we are supposed to cheer for girl who had a perfectly good reason for burning down a house but for the most part we are supposed to hate these teenagers , more than the normal pack of clueless teenagers in sci-fi movies. I mean at the first sign of trouble these kids are ready to gut you and use you as bait. Could they make these characters any less likeable?
Although…I do like their kill the infected before they kill us mentality. I am always scream that during zombie movies (especially Quarantine) that they need to stop trying to help people who are obviously going to die and get the heck out of dodge. Of course I talk a big game but I probably would be a sobbing mess at the thought of leaving someone behind to be bird bait. But knowing me I would be bird bait so I guess I don’t have any hard decisions to make.
Mongolian Death Worm
This movie looks like it is going to be the Sci-Fi movie of the month (although it won’t top Mega Piranha). And given the fact that the next two Saturdays are going to suck on Sci-Fi (really, the premier of Underworld?) I might as well enjoy the wonderful hot mess this movie was.
I think we should start with the fact that most of the brown people in this movie were Mexicans. Or Hispanic. Not Chinese or Mongolian. Pretty much epic fail on hiring the actors of this movie.
I did enjoy that we had different little subplots going on at the same time. We have a white guy drillin oil and….something else. I think smuggling drugs or something. I have no idea. Then we have a white dude in charge of some brown people who are after another white dude who is looking for buried treasure. Then we have a bunch of white doctors trying to save a village of natives who have been infected by giant worm goo. Awesome. Only it took away from the giant worms with all these different white people running around being crazy.
But these are some magical worms people. They live underground and were woken up by the naughty drilling. It is really not a desperate situation to kill ALL the worms as they die in a week. That is a pretty awesome way to cut time out of the plot. You don’t have to run around and find a way to stop all the wormies as they are going to be toast anyway. We just have to focus on the ones trying to eat our faces right now.
I like that the worms had huge suction tongues for no reason. It was magical. Tremors was a little more realistic with its three headed tongues but whatever. XD
And don’t get forget about the tank tops. All sci-fi movies need tank tops in them, even if the movie takes place in Alaska. I like how she is so edgy and hard core, dissing a man who is driving her several hours across a barren wasteland. Yeah lady, the magical gas fairy fills up his tank.
I think this Sci-Fi movie would have been “better” if there were fewer subplots and more worms. Bring on the killer worms please!
How To Train Your Dragon
What? I actually went to see a movie in the movie theater?! How amazing is that?! The movie did come out like 6 weeks ago but that is beside the point. Besides I like going to the movies when the theater is nearly empty. Go me.
This movie had some really weird names. I am not talking about typical weird names for kids books or movies. What kind of hero name is Hiccup? Of course his friends are named Tuffnut, Ruffnut, Fishlegs, and Snotlout so maybe Hiccup isn’t so bad? But why couldn’t they pick some Viking names? I guess they were trying to stay faithful to the book but dude. X_X I almost couldn’t stop rolling my eyes at the names.
But the movie was a lot cuter than I thought it was going to be. I thought Toothless was going to be smaller but I realize that is my fault for being dumb. But Toothless should have been toothless. X_X Putting that aside I really like that Toothless and Hiccup weren’t instant best friends. It was refreshing to see a more realistic view of gaining trust. Or as realistic as a dragon movie can be. But yes I did enjoy that Toothless wasn’t all instant cute puppy on Hiccup and it took time for their relationship to blossom. Dead fish really bring people/dragons together.
I do think Hiccup’s dad was way over the top. I know the point of these movies is to show that kids are much more willing to listen to new ideas and that adults really don’t understand them but come on. :( He was way too harsh. Especially when Hiccup “destroyed” the town. Like dude, most of the town was on fire already. Had Hiccup not been chased by that giant dragon and caused the pole to roll downhill the big dragon was going to cause damage elsewhere. Blaming Hiccup was too much.
Toothless reminded me a lot of my baby cat. The big silly eyes, the in your face way of communicating. But I am happy she can’t fly around and catch me on fire.
I wasn’t expecting Hiccup to end up losing a leg. I was getting scared near the end that Toothless wasn’t going to make it so I rather Hiccup lose a leg than have a dead Toothless. Now Hiccup and Toothless really do complete each other now. I do think the village being overrun by dragons is a bit much now but happy endings are nice. Yay for dragons!
House of the Devil
“This nail biting horror film concerns a college student who takes a babysitting job from Mr. Ulman but when she arrives at his house she learns that she has to care for his mother-in-law.”
That is the summary my TV gives me for this movie. There have been times when the summary has been a bit snarky about the show or exaggerated the awesomeness of the movie/episode. But this takes the cake. Not only does it LIE about the nail biting horror movie part….but it tells you that it LIED about the nail biting horror part. Oh hi, this is a scary movie about BABYSITTING! But when you watch the movie you realize why they were hush hush on the scary details.
Because for 90 percent of the show nothing was scary. For the first hour NOTHING happened at all. Unless you count watching a girl in mom jeans not eat pizza and hang out with her drunk friends action. Which I don’t. Also mom jeans? This movie is set in 1983. Not the year of mom jeans. At least not people who are 20 years old anyway. I mean I guess it was scary seeing how big walkmans use to be (yes walkmans people) but yeah. Nothing scary to see here.
I guess the part where mom jean’s friend got shot in the head was supposed to be scary. Maybe. There was no build up but it was better than the 75 minutes of mom jeans walking around a house doing NOTHING. Calling drunk friend 10 times, eating bad pizza (seriously what was that?! I thought there was blood in the pizza and it turns out to be nothing?! What the hell was that?!!?!?!?), and freaking out at nothing. We the audience know (or hope) that danger is coming soon but babysitting girl was….in lala land.
And I wanted her to die. Just throwing that out there. Who the hell asks for 100 dollars an hour to not watch an old lady? You greedy ass pig. And this is 1983! 400 dollars mog!!! X_X It boggles the mind. I would have been dancing at 100 dollars. Even now! But….wow. There are no words.
The scary parts of the movie might have been scary. But by the time they happened I really didn’t care anymore. I just wanted this nightmare to be over. Really I wanted the nightmare to begin an hour ago but the people making this horror movie got lost. Really lost. What we ended up with is three old people and some random dude chasing around mom jeans and a lot of blood being splattered everywhere. Why? Because mom jeans is now carrying the devil’s baby.
Doesn’t it all make sense?!
The only thing worse than this movie is the fact that people actually rated this movie awesome on Rotten Tomatoes. Whatever crack they are smoking I demand some. I would accept the two hours of my life back but if that is not possible crack would be a nice gesture.
Nightmare on Elm Street
….:( I was expecting more. I am happy they didn’t go the Halloween remake route. I didn’t want a sob story about how this child abuser/kill/sexual predator was really abused himself as a child and BOO HOO feel bad for him too. We almost got that in the form of ON SHAP Freddie didn’t really do it. But haha surprise Freddie really did molest kids. So that is a bit of a relief, that the remake didn’t make Freddie more “relate able”.
But that is where it ends with the goodness. I don’t even remember the original that well but I know it was better than…this. Good job Hollywood hiring 25 year olds to play 17/18 year olds. No one everyone thinks I look 16! -_-
Whoever hired this cast needs to be shot in the face. With the exception of the kid who played Quentin I really didn’t care about any of these misfits. I’m glad Dean died first. I counted down the minutes until Freddie finally killed him. Thank you Freddie, that truly was a mercy killing. I liked Chris better when her name was Tricia and her hair wasn’t so nasty. Jesse was completely miscast as he is clearly some whiny emo kid and not a bully/tough guy. And Nancy….just bleh. Was she even awake?! Did she even care about the movie or was she too busy painting her lame ass pictures to bother to bring personality to the set?
I think the biggest mistake of the entire movie was the pacing. Or really the focus. We jump from character to character in terms of caring and plot. I thought the movie was going to be about Nancy but for the first 25 minutes it was all about Chris and her remembering the past and dealing with Dean’s death. Oh but then she dies. So then the focus is on Jesse and how his dumbass self deserves to die because he just up and left his dead girlfriend. He is running around causing drama and OH then he dies. So now all we have left is Nancy and some random friend Quentin. Like who the hell are you Quentin?! It was a little too late for us to start caring about these fools.
But even though the movie was really…not like the original I do think that Nancy and Quentin help their own against the adults and Freddie. Quentin was going off on his dad and Nancy was pretty gangsta with that lighter. Actually I am glad that Quentin was there for Nancy because otherwise it would have been mighty boring.
I think the most disappointing aspect of this new remake was the new Freddie. I get that he wasn’t supposed to be funny but that’s not the problem. The problem is he looked like a 50 year old mentally handicap man who is 4’8”. I could probably have beat his ass and I am pretty darn weak. He wasn’t scary. He face was pretty gross but other than that it wasn’t…..scary. If something was going to kill me in a gruesome way I wouldn’t be impressed with that hot mess.
I will never understand Freddie. Why does he torture the kids and not the parents….
This movie is worth the time but not the money. Like I would snark it on Saturday night but no run out to the theaters to watch it. Maybe people should stop making remakes if they can’t bring the series to the next level.
Legion
I was actually going to see this movie in theaters. I am not sure what happened with my plans but we never got around to seeing it. So I waited until my honey “found” me a free version of the movie that wasn’t dark and grainy. I am sad to say that I am disappointed.
I think the most disappointing part of this movie is…it made no sense. The entire premise of this movie was let the baby be born and mankind will be saved. But….the baby was born and mankind was still in danger. The zombie people that were near the dinner stopped being zombies but not the ones in other parts of the world. In the future Jeep and Charlie are traveling around with baby all Terminator like. So….the future is still bleak and awful?! Then what was the purpose of the movie?!?!?! Michael said he gave God what he wanted which was to show humanity deserved a second change….so….why are we still in danger?
Putting aside the fact that the entire movie was a lie….DUDE! There were tons of really unnecessary deaths. I am not talking about sad deaths or tragic deaths. I mean deaths that served no purpose and could have been avoided. Percy dies to save Sandra who shouldn’t have gone outside in the first place. Kyle dies to protect a kid who wasn’t savable anyway. Audrey dies so Jeep can kill Gabriel but Gabriel doesn’t die. Same goes with Bob but Bob might have been almost dead anyway. That is a whole lot of dying for no reason. Makes me sad.
Who the hell names their kid Jeep?! X_X And why is it at the first sign of a crazy lady running on the ceiling you pull a gun on the next car that comes around?! I could see if after the 3rd or 4th zombie person not to let any more people into the diner but the first? They need to be more appreciative of help next time.
So….anyone else who has seen this movie….you saw the near kiss scene between Gabriel and Michael right? It’s not just me and my overactive yaoi imagination right? That really happened for all to see right? It was hot….really hot. Like seriously hot. They want to jump each other so hard they have to resort to bashing each other into the ground. Hot people hot.
Angels have razor wings guys! And humans who are possessed by angels look like demons and enjoy raw meat. Also in the face of real danger everyone needs to be hating on the black guy who saves your ass with a gun. Way to stay on topic people!
The trailers lead me to believe that there were going to be a lot more battle scenes. But all we got was Michael beating on Gabriel and people getting snipped on the roof. I thought a lot more angels were going to come and kick butt. Disappointed. All we got was Charlie smoking and being a bad Mother of the World.
Did I mention that Gabriel and Michael had some serious sexual tension going on?!
Dance of the Dead
No. Seriously just no.
I am actually still watching this movie while writing the review. That is how bored I am. If I make it through the entire time I will be shocked and amazed. But since nothing is on TV right now I might stick it out.
The only reason I watched this hot mess was because it was free on Demand. Now I know why. Only one person has been turned into a zombie thus far. All the others have already been turned off screen or were dead before hand. Not the things of scary dreams.
There were way too many characters in this movie. That sometimes works in zombie movies because eventually they get taken out zombies. But NO we need all of the kids alive or something like that. So way too much time was focused on stupid high school drama and not enough on....zombies.
The two zombie teenagers making out was...so very touchy. Beyond touching. I almost shed a tear there.
I really think this was supposed to be a gag movie, like Epic Movie or Scary Movie. Please tell me they only spent 10 dollars making this crap....
Also rock and roll saves the day. The end.
Night Living Dead
Okay I know I said that Dance of the Dead was bad but now there is another contender for Worse Movie for the month of May. That is saying a lot.
This was apparently supposed to be a remake of the movie Night of the Living Dead. Not sure if they meant the 1968 or the 1990 one. The only thing that reminded me of either of those movies was the fact that the ACTUAL 1968 movies was playing and the fact that the main character was heading towards a graveyard at the beginning of the movie. Other than that…no. Remakes should have some resemblance of the movie they are…remaking.
It’s good to know in the year 2008 we can’t make zombies look any better than the orange face zombies in the original The Return of the Living Dead in 1983. 1983 people. I guess when movies only have a budget of $100 it is hard to expect awesome stuff. Or anything at all. The zombies were laughable.
I am not sure what was responsible for making the zombies. I know crazy man who runs the morgue made MORE but why did the first one come into being? Or does that require actual thinking which is a no no in these movies? But yes, I totally believe that Mr. Crazy man gave his father his blood for two years and never got infected at all. AMAZING!
I did like the synopsis saying this was an updated version of the movie WITH BOOBIES! Totally made my day. Forget the tank tops we got a girl running around TOTALLY naked.
Most people in zombie movies are dumb. These people don’t want to call for help (which lets be honest probably wouldn’t make it or would make matters worse) because of weed. Weed people. Do you know how much weed you can smoke if you are dead? ZERO! So how about we call the cops, get in a little bit of trouble, and live to smoke weed another day.
This movie really had no redeemable characters except the dude who SOLD DRUGS! I know, he sells pot. That means he is totally unworthy of saving your life and you should make him feel bad. But everyone dies and the people rejoice. The end.
Resident Evil: Degeneration
Reading is hard. When I saw this on FearNet (free is my friend) I was like SCORE someone decided to cash in on the Resident Evil name and made a crappy version f the movie woohoo! But then I realized the entire movie was in CG and I was a little sad because I wanted to see crappy acting and stupid looking zombies.
Claire sucked. I wanted her off my screen. Be gone useless woman. Take the annoying kid with the really annoying voice with you. X_X
This movie might have been better if there were more…zombies. It felt as if the movie went on forever with all the talking and plot and blah blah. Plot isn’t bad but if there are only two action scenes I will pass out and forget about the movie. Just mog these people are bad WAIT these people are bad OH no he was the bad guy all along but it doesn’t matter because at the end of the movie there is a new bad guy. I kinda like the movies now only focusing on one company. Easier to hate that way.
Leon is hot. Seriously Resident Evil movies is there a reason we have left this hottie on the cutting room floor? Although I do hear he is going to be in the 4th movie. But yum yum yum. I am ignoring the fact that he is super human and way cooler than Alice without having to suffer the T-virus side effects because he is hot. That is how I roll.
It is kinda hard to think about the rest of the movie because Leon is hot. But there is plot and I am sure people who play the games would have a better view on how “good” the movie was. More zombies next time.
Also people LISTEN! When someone who has battled these creatures before says shoot them in the head DO NOT SHOOT THEM IN THE KNEES! Do not waste an entire clip by shooting them in the chest. THE HEAD PEOPLE!
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