Tales from the Pizzeria

There is nothing wrong with your computer. Do not attempt to adjust the monitor. You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from deepest inner mind to the outer limits.

Or even scarier you are about to enter a world where the customer always thinks they are right. Where someone who is completely and utterly wrong will walk out with free food. Where a pizza delivery driver is stuck somewhere in-between work and the Twilight Zone.

Proceed with caution. The following stories might make you lose faith in humanity, feel uncontrollable rage, or laugh hysterical at my suffering. You have been warned.





If you are going to accuse someone of cussing out your mom over that 8 cut/10 cut pizza epic blow out pick a better person to lie about. Saying that my mother cussed out your mother was the craziest lie I have heard all week, possibly all month. Had you accused me or the oven guy or…maybe anyone else you still would be lying but your lie wouldn’t be the worse lie ever. I can count on one finger how many times I have heard my mother cuss in my entire life. To come and say my mother isn’t a Christian woman because of this almost made me want to tear your head off. How my mother had any self restraint at that point was really a miracle. Thank your lucky stars lady that I didn’t cut you into 10 pieces. Or 8.

Did you seriously just come in and tell my boss you were hungry? That you had no money to pay him but the good Lord led you to this place? Had it been me you would be walking out with your shopping bag (gasp no money?!) and newspaper. But my boss is a sucker…I mean someone who has a kind heart. I was told that God was smiling down upon him for helping someone out. I wonder if God was laughing later when the lady (after eating her free lunch) asked my boss for 5 dollars so she could buy some cigarettes. Don’t worry God; I was doing enough laughing for the both of us.

Hey crazy lady! Oh sorry, I guess I will have to be more specific with that one. I mean the person who came in on a Saturday night wondering why her pizza wasn’t done yet. You know, after we told her that we were slammed and it would be awhile. After she said that it was okay, she was shopping and wouldn’t be there right away. So when she shows up 15 minutes later (which is our time on a normal/slow day) don’t be SURPRISED when your pizza isn’t ready. Do you see the amount of tickets just waiting to be taken care of? Did you think my co-worker was kidding when she said the wait for 30 minutes? Do you not remember agreeing that the wait time was okay? So why is it when you pay me that you are mumbling under your breath that this is ridiculous? Not that it is a real mumble since you were making it clear to me what you were saying. Thanks for being passive aggressive and causing everyone to be uncomfortable. Also the glares to everyone who came and picked up their pizzas were not appreciated. Don’t be hating on someone who had enough brains to arrive on time and follow instructions.

I think when a business makes a mistake one of two things can happen. If the problem isn’t big enough/it was an honest mistake the customer can move on with their live and deal with the issue (whether that be never returning there again or realizing it is not the end of the world). If the problem is big enough then it should be brought to the attention of someone in charge and the customer should be compensated for their trouble. Now your pizza was made correctly, not burnt, and served hot and fresh. The problem was……the pizza was not cut. I am not sure how it happened but it did. You ate the entire pizza. You commented that it was delicious. However you called our store and asked for store credit because it was an inconvenience for you to cut the pizza. Had it really been an inconvenience you should have brought back the pizza. I mean, it is a weird mistake to make and it shouldn’t have happened. But you ATE the pizza. Now you want a new one because you had to locate a knife? I hate you. And my boss who gave you store credit for a perfectly good pizza.

To the person who left the hot water running in the bathroom dieinafire. You used up all the toilet paper and didn’t tell anyone and decided that flooding our only toilet was a great idea? How about I go to your house and do that to you. Would that be a good plan? No you don’t like that idea? Rule of thumb for any decent human being is to treat the general public like you would your home. Or at least it should be…..