Clannad After Story Episode 21-Have your tissues ready!

I don’t think words can really describe how I feel after watching this episode. Seeing how I always find a few (or 1000) words to say about each episode I watch I will TRY. But I doubt I will be able to properly express how…heartbreaking this episode was for me and probably everyone else who watched it. Fear not, we are all in good company and I doubt there was a dry eye in the house.

*starts crying again*

Just in case this isn’t obvious…Spoilers are ahead. If you had not watched this episode yet or played the game…do not spoil it for yourself. Stay away from all blogs and reviews until you watch it for yourself. You can’t ruin it for yourself, I won’t let you!

Overwhelming cuteness and sorrow are ahead. You have been warned.

You didn't even try you stupid doctor!!!

The doctor explains to Tomoya, Akio, and Sanae that Ushio has Nagisa’s condition and just like Nagisa…he has no idea how to treat it. Tomoya can only stare at his sleeping daughter and look distraught. As Sanae walks out the useless doctor of doom Akio tells Tomoya that as Ushio’s father Tomoya needs to put on his brave face and deal with this situation. In the other world the young girl and trash man are walking aimlessly around in the snow with the girl getting weaker by the minute. The track meet is going on and Ushio wants her father to go and beat Akio. Tomoya smiles and says that he rather be with Ushio today and it’s enough that Ushio believed in him. Tomoya promises to take care of her and protect her no matter what which makes Ushio smile. But weeks go by and soon it is a whole month that Ushio has been sick with a fever. She hasn’t been able to leave her bed in all that time. Tomoya goes to work and resigns despite his boss not wanting to let him go. Yoshino is outside and not happy with Tomoya leaving either. But then he changes his mind and is glad that Tomoya is putting his daughter first. Yoshino makes Tomoya changes screw drivers with him so when Tomoya returns they can switch back. Tomoya is in awe and touched by this gesture. Tomoya then starts spending every waking moment tending to Ushio as she becomes unable to even change herself. Tomoya begins to think that the happy days will never come around again. One day Tomoya asks Ushio if she wants anything, that he will get it for her. She says that she wants to go on a trip with Daddy again. Tomoya says that last time they went on a trip he was mean and it wasn’t very fun. Ushio insists that it was and that is what she wants. Tomoya promises to take her when she is well again. Tomoya then starts thinking about how this whole town is a curse against his family and it doesn’t want HIM to have any happiness. Akio and Sanae come over for a visit. Akio tries to give Tomoya some money, then throws a mini fit when Tomoya refuses. Tomoya says that he is not being proud but that he doesn’t NEED money yet. When he does he will certainly ask. They take a brief trip to the grocery store and end up back at the new hospital. Tomoya seems to think that changing the landscape of the town is what is causing his family problems, that the city is suffering. He says change should not come at the suffering of one person. Akio doesn’t think that is what is causing the problems and that change can be good sometimes.

Tomoya trying to be a brave father.

Christmas time comes and things are still not looking good for Tomoya and Ushio. Tomoya looks very unkempt and slept deprived and Ushio is still not getting any better. Tomoya looks out the window towards a cross steeple and almost sees the other world. He seems confused but doesn’t question it. Ushio wakes up and asks for some water. Which is a good thing since that is all that is in the fridge. Despite it just being able to keep down water, Ushio declares it…delicious. She then asks again to go on a trip. Tomoya gently tells her no and not to ask for things that Daddy can’t possibly provide. Ushio tells Tomoya that they have to go now…that she wants to go with him. Tomoya seems to understand what Ushio is trying to say and agrees. Tomoya gets her all dressed and ready to go, warning her to take it easy and that he will carry her. Ushio says that she wants to walk beside her dad and that she can do it. It becomes painfully clear that Ushio is having a hard time walking and Tomoya is heartbroken by her tiny steps. She stumbles a bit but still tries to carry on. It starts to snow and that distracts them for a little bit. Tomoya says that he likes the snow despite the fact he was thinking about the time frame when he lost Nagisa. Ushio makes it a couple more steps..then collapses. She becomes confused and asks if they are already on the train. She then asks if it’s dark since she can’t see anything. Tomoya lies and tells her yes to both questions. Ushio weakly tells Tomoya that she loves him. Tomoya cries softly as he tells Ushio he loves her too. Ushio smiles as her body goes limp and her eyes close. Tomoya blinks back tears as he doesn’t want to be believe this is happening again. The snow falls on them both as Tomoya screams out her name. There is a little montage of happy Ushio memories…and Tomoya crying in the snow. Tomoya begs Nagisa to save their child as he holds Ushio’s pale body. Tomoya collapses in the snow in agony. In the hidden world the girl has also collapsed in the snow. She tries to get up but is unable to make it very far. Tomoya thinks back again to when he met Nagisa and how it would be better if he never called out to her, that none of this pain would have happened. THE END!! :(

One last moment...before it happens. :(

Okay…yeah…that was miserable…and beyond sad. I am sure there are still tears in everyone’s eyes. Let’s take a big breath…and cry some more. I am starting to blog this episode 2 hours after viewing it and I am still upset. That is how much of an impact this episode has had on me.

Tomoya's suffering upsets me the most though...

I realize that is a little bit dramatic, that once you get down to it Clannad is ONLY an anime show. None of these characters are real and none of this REALLY happened. But…it could have. The characters and situations (minus happiness orbs) could happen in real life. That is why I feel so upset at the end of the episodes: these characters are becoming/are real to me. When Tomoya suffers it’s almost like I am watching a real life human being have tragedy after tragedy. And it feels wrong to watch a good person suffer.

STOP BEING CUTE! I am trying to be sad!

USHIO! Your overwhelming cuteness is making this tragic episode even more depressing!

To the actual episode itself…even if you DIDN’T know that Ushio was going to die…you knew the moment the opening scene took place. The entire episode was just one big watch Ushio die fest. It was very similar to Tomoya and Nagisa looking forward to Ushio’s birth and pretending that Nagisa wasn’t going to die. A very somber episode indeed with no possibility of hope.

Almost painful to watch :(

And I have mixed feelings about this no hope deal. I mean it is never fun to have a sliver of hope and have it dashed away so harshly. It almost seems kinder to let the viewer know right off the bat there is no hope. But on the other hand…what is the point of watching if there is NO hope what so ever?! Things might not go the way we want them to and the episode will make us cry…but at least we could imagine a happier ending.

Ushio trying to hold on as long as she can...

But the saddest part of this NO HOPE episode…was Ushio knew. And that is where the tears were flowing. It’s expected that adults know how futile the situation is and no matter how hard you try…you are still going to fail in the end. But Ushio is a little kid. I don’t even LIKE kids and all I want to do is hold this one close and tell her it’s going to be okay.

She knows they have to go now...she just doesn't want to say why she does....

However…she won’t believe you. Because that little kid knows the truth. Death is a HUGE scary concept to grasp when it’s your pet gold fish or lizard. But SHE was dying and she understood that. How depressing and brave is that? At 25 I don’t think I could calmly ask for one last trip and try walking on my own. I would probably be holed up in a bed somewhere bawling my eyes out…sort of like I did with Ushio situations.

Almost like the beach conversation all over again. :(

True Clannad style…this depressing scene of bravery was still touching and beautiful. Instead of asking for an object or something that would make Ushio temporarily happy she asks for the ONE thing that would make her last few days on Earth special for her and Tomoya. She doesn’t want to GO somewhere special; she just wants to be with her dad doing something completely normal. She wants one last positive memory with her dad so maybe…he won’t think the end was all sad. Yes, Ushio dying was sad but there is something very bittersweet about this last request. Did I mention she is FIVE?!

Ushio just wants to be in the spot where she got her Daddy back before she dies.. :(

The part that made me the saddest was the fact they didn’t even REACH their destination. I guess I misunderstood spoilers and assumed Ushio was going to die in those flowers where she reunited with her father. But no…she dies less than a mile from her house and Tomoya was unable to fulfill her last request.

Can life get any crueler?!

Ushio trying to be brave and walk alongside her father…tears. Ushio collapsing in the snow....more tears. Tomoya realizing that his daughter was moments away from death…bawl fest. It was almost a repeat of 5 years ago, Tomoya fighting back tears as he watched a love one dies. He tries to remain calm as he talks to Ushio and lies about their location in hopes to make her happy. He holds her tight and tells her that he loves her too.

Can't stop the tears!

Tomoya trying to hold on to the brief happiness he has left..

Then Ushio dies.

The most horrible moment in this entire series...

...just no words...:(

Tomoya is free to let out all his emotions out. He cries out like only a parent losing a child could. He says things are impossible, such as asking his dead wife for help. He begs for a miracle he wasn’t granted 5 years ago and sobs out for help. Exhausted both from this month of taking care of Ushio and this traumatic event he collapses in the snow, ready to give up on life. And I can’t blame him.

STOP CRYING TOMOYA!!! I can't stand it when he cries!

The hidden world and the real world are slowing merging into one. The girl in the hidden world has also tried to walk to a destination she probably couldn’t reach but collapses in the snow. The robot man tries to press on but is unsure of what to do. Both places are very bleak and all hope seems to be lost.

:( Sadness for everyone..

Tomoya once again thinks back to his senior year and how he met Nagisa at the bottom of the hill. He watches her try to gain enough courage to walk up that hill and he pauses. He knows that if he calls out to her all they will meet, fall in love, and lose each other. He doesn’t want to go through that kind of pain again and can only stare at her.

Would you call out if you knew how it would end?

I think that Tomoya is blaming himself for a lot…or giving himself a lot of credit. Not sure which one. He thinks that Nagisa was upset with how her life turned out. But really…who’s to know how long Nagisa would have lived even if Tomoya hadn’t called out to her? And who’s to say that a few years being happy and living with Tomoya isn’t better than 30 more years of being bored in a house alone? Tomoya, in his grief, is only thinking about how HIS life would have been better had he not meet Nagisa and watched her die. I would think the very same thing too being the survivor, having to live my life alone. But it is still sad to watch and hear.

The other parts of the episode don’t seem as important or fun to blog about. The screwdriver exchange, Akio being very kind to Tomoya, the trip to the hospital…they too make the episode possible but in light of the DEATH OF USHIO it’s hard to try to write about how…special said screwdriver exchange was or how Akio was once again trying to be firm with Tomoya and caring at the same time.

I don't even have the heart to try a yaoi joke right now.

Even though they make it SO easy!

Because screwdrivers are serious business.

The hospital scene is important though…I know that Tomoya is suffering, but it seems so irrational to be upset at a building and blame a city for your problems (in this instant anyways). Change happens, cities grow, and your child hood places get replaced with malls. It’s okay to be sad…but to outright blame the city? I guess I just find it ironic that Tomoya hates this city so much yet he is part of the reason WHY it is a good place. I mean, it would be NICE if your special place stayed the same…but you still have your memories.

How can Akio be so calm during times like this?

It’s actually getting very hard to blog about this episode. Tears keep forming in my eyes and I can only see Tomoya’s heartbreaking reaction to Ushio’s death and that brave little girls face. :( And there isn’t much to go on for the next episode as the previews let on NO spoilers at all. Are we going to get a happy ending or just an okay ending? Will we need to break out more tissues? Will I be able to wait an entire week to watch it?! The ending to a great series is almost upon us…and that is a bitter sweet thing too.