Friday, October 31, 2014

Curl up with your favorite scary movie. Or alternatively snark it death!

Happy Halloween all you witches and haunts. Hopefully today was full of costumes, candy, and scares for you. Even if you had to work today hopefully you were allowed to wear a cute outfit or what not. If not….well tomorrow all that Halloween candy will be on sale and you can celebrate that way?
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Whoa whoa whoa....what do you mean you don't know the rules?!
Since going Trick or Treating with a stuffed bear is probably frowned upon in most circles I will keep my Halloween self at home. Which is fine because my favorite part of this holiday season is the scary movies. XD My favorite genre of all times. I get to see Halloween and SAW and Friday the 13th on repeat. Killer dolls, zombies, and dumb teenagers doing dumb teenager things….sounds perfect right? Well as you know or have heard…some horror movies and shows have a reputation. Like um so why did a character do that? Is that even remotely possible? Why won’t he die? While some of these are accepted by us horror movies as just….things to accept there are times when I side eye things myself. Like hmmm can I really get behind this? Or really I just watch the movies in question to make fun of these issues because snark is fun. So come along with me this holiday night as I share what I think is amusing or irritating about the horror genre and the like.
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If there is some killer shark or a giant spider or some other creature that has never been seen before and you are the person who suggests we should capture it and not kill it…I will kill you myself. And everyone around me should applaud. Applaud that I have saved at least 3 people’s life. Sure that person died but chances are if they say those magical words they are goners anyway. I know in Tremors the person who suggested it lived (well both Tremors 1 and 2) but other than that if you suggest that the thing that has magically appeared and started eating humans should live because MOG it should be studied….you are toast. It will live longer because it ate you. We can study it’s corpse. Humans outrank giant crocs okay?

Camping is bad. You want to be one with nature? Because if you go camping you will be eating dirt sooner than you thought. Obviously going anywhere near Camp Crystal Lake is a super bad idea but other forms of camping or road trips that don’t involve hotels end badly as well. Even in 2014 there will be no way to call for help because your cell will magically break down. Go to Disney. No one ever got murdered by a serial killer at Disney. 

That noise is either a cat or the killer whatever. Everytime. It cannot be anything else. Either way it does not need your investigation. You might look stupid for running away from a cat but stupid is better than decapitated. 

If you think something is dead and you are finally safe you should empty your magazine into whatever it is head. The only exception to this rule is during zombie raids as there will be tons of them. Still one bullet to the head wouldn’t hurt. And if you have the time actually separating the head from the body would be most effective too. Don’t call a friend or take a breath, thinking everything is fine. It’s not. Overkill does not exist.

Is your town haunted by some awful past? Well then move. Especially if every kid on every street ends up dead. Chances are you won’t get much for your house but your children won’t end up soul pizza. And if you insist on staying around this crazy place burn down the place of where the bad thing happened. Selling a haunted house of death is pretty dishonest and stupid. Just burn it and replace it with NOTHING. Ever. 

If you get confirmation that your friend or love one is dead leave them. If this is zombie times stab them in the head and then leave them. Screaming TINA TINA TINA over their dead body isn’t really going to help you. Sure burying them and paying respects would be nice but I think your loved one would want you to live more than scatter flowers. RUN silently. Yes it is upsetting and of course you want revenge but going blindly into a situation will leave you dead too. And don’t drag the body around for goodness sakes. 

Every time you leave your house it isn’t sex or drinking time. Never drugs but you know. It is possible to go outside and do none of those things. I mean I know it is a morals thing anyway, the sin factor but think about it. Humans are the most vulnerable when they are naked. And if you are impaired how can you fight back properly? These activities are usually done alone as well. So if you aren’t doing them chances are you will be ready for anything that comes your way. And if your friends aren’t doing them they will be ready to assist you if anything bad goes down. Again have some family friendly fun at Disney.
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Then again..everyone is a suspect...
Don’t kill or hurt people who could be your allies. This is not the Hunger Games. There can be more than one Survivor. Typically there isn’t but if you kill an innocent person so you can get slightly farther you will definitely die. I mean…if this made sense evil should reward you for helping and spare you but that isn’t the case. You will get what is coming to you. You might have died ANYWAY but taking out someone else makes no sense Shane. 

Sometimes there are crazy people in this world. And other times there are people who have just come in contact with giant sharks or super human killers. And they are upset and frightened. Do not dismiss them. Especially if you are the police. I am not saying trust every crazy that comes your way but take some precautions. Don’t mock the situation especially. Mockers die first. Actually don’t be a cop either. Don’t be a mocking cop. It is just safer. 

Doing things to save or make a buck rarely works out. I mean if you are a huge company that used to make millions of dollars surely you can afford some new plastic. No need to reuse the giant pile of old plastic that is currently bleeding on the ground. Solving a terminal illness is great. Making super smart sharks not so much. You too good to be real cure for cancer will indeed cure cancer. Because everyone dies and turns into a zombie before the cancer takes place. 

If your child has a core group of friends and two of them die…..take the remaining kids and guard them with your life. Putting your fingers in your ear and going lalala is surprisingly not effective in keeping your kid alive. Because something is killing your kids and while you might not believe the cause at least if you SEE them and all their friends you might stand a chance in keeping a handful alive.

Keep your car in good running order. Sure I am a hypocrite with my broken vehicle but listen. The second things go south you are either going to be dumb and run upstairs or to the danger or you are going to be smart and head towards your car. Chances are though you are a young person and can only afford a piece of crap. No judging. Just…make sure you get an oil change and the spark plugs work. Because you will need a getaway car when things go south and cars like to stall out in these kinds of situations. So while the rest of us are rolling our eyes at how this ALWAYS happens…it reality it is just bad car maintenance people. These are the kind of people who are busy buying booze and drugs with their money. They have enough cash for those things but not to keep their car is good working order. 

Life is super unfair. Some might say being a woman is more difficult than being a man. Because life is geared towards the upward rise of men there are other areas in life where men get the short end of the stick. So boys…there will be no tears at the fact that there is no final guy. If you life it will probably be with someone else, almost always a girl. But a girl can live alone in dangerous situations. She will have to endure a lot and probably die anyway in the sequel but she will find a way to pull through. Mainly because you guys like to act like badasses or dumbasses. Sometimes you are heroic and we appreciate that. Not as much as you actually being alive with us but do note your sacrifice is not forgotten. 

Well folks I am knee deep into horror and scary movies. Hope that was entertaining enough for you. Sweet dreams. Or enjoy your nightmares. Whatever makes your Halloween special. XD

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