Why must I be tortured?!
But for now...after two weeks of constant WTFness it is time for some customers who suck. And suck they do!
-A customer called to complain about the quality of our food. I might have actually cared about their complaint had they not said “I bought a pizza last night and now it taste awful”. Okay maybe I was slightly curious to find out why our pizzas sucked as leftovers because personally I think our pizza tastes pretty good reheated. It turns out this customer left the pizza on their counter all night long and was confused why it tastes like crap now. Really? You are a grown adult and you can’t figure out food you left out all night taste like crap? Yeah…you are not getting a refund. And if you don’t know why you aren’t getting a refund then you are too stupid to live.
-I am so happy you called our store to order a pizza. Really I am. But saying I want a pizza three times isn’t really helping this transaction. Seeing how you called my store chances are you want a pizza. WHAT KIND OF PIZZA DO YOU WANT?! Our carry out special? You mean the one that is a one topping special? WHAT TOPPING WOULD THAT BE? Oh regular? Sure one large cheese pizza anything else? Oh you want pepperoni. Silly silly me! Maybe next time instead of saying one large pizza over and over again like I am a child you could come out and say what you want. Like a normal person does.
-You ordered a pizza for delivery. Yay me and yay possibility for a tip. However it is kinda dark outside. And you already sorta suck without numbers on your house and mailbox. Thank goodness your neighbors don’t suck. However would it kill you if you turned on your porch light? That would have been a sign that you did order a pizza but that is beside the point now. The issue is that I am trying to trek from your driveway to your door and its pitch black. For all I know there are critters out there trying to attack me and I didn’t have 20 menthol KOOLs or 1000 creds to get an eyeshine. I did manage to see your leftover Halloween decorations before I tripped over them and fell flat on my face. But a bit of outside light would have helped the situation!
-So I am at your door in the pitch black. You turn on the light to make sure I am not a murderer trying to stab you and your loud dog. I am temporarily blind but at least I can see what kind of money you are giving me. But after you take your pizza and give me the money it would be nice if you kept the lights on. Because I still have to get to my car and I still don’t have an eyeshine. Thank you for being considerate of your fellow human being and thinking outside your own personal existence. By the way I hate you.
-It’s Friday night. You call us and order some pizza. Just like everyone else in our town. Despite the number of calls we are getting and the general fail of our crew the wait is under 30 minutes. Truly a thing of miracles. So when you call and order 7 pizzas it’s really not cool for you to be pissed when I tell you the wait is 30 minutes. 7 pies is a lot to order in a whim on any other day. A little notice would be appreciated. Which is what you used to do, give us notice. But calling at 5:15 on a Friday and expecting your pizzas to be ready at 5:30 is a joke. So thanks for giving us no notice and getting upset over a reasonable wait time. Did I mention it was Friday night?! I also enjoyed when you came in 10 minutes after you ordered and were pissy in front of our other customers acting like we were beyond late. You keep threatening to go somewhere else with your order and we wish you would!
-You have decided to order from our lovely store. Even though we told you it would be ready in 15 minutes you arrived in 5. You can pay now or pay when your pizza is ready. But you need to decide what you are doing and get away from my counter. Once you pay move to the side so the person behind you can pay. Don’t just stand there waiting for the next 10 minutes waiting for your pizza. MOVE! Or you can just ignore the fact that I moved and the customer behind you moved to do our transaction. Jerk.
-When I ask you if debit is okay and you say yes I assume the answer is yes. Don’t say “and that’s credit” after I have already started the transition. Don’t you listen to people when they talk to you?!
-CARRY OUT SPECIAL MEANS CARRY OUT! When you call me and say you want two large carry out specials I won’t ask for your address. Why? Because it is a CARRY OUT special. So stop getting pissy at me because you fail to understand the words coming out of your own mouth.
-Is there a reason you ordered a pizza to be delivered when you knew you didn’t have the money to tip? Never mind that it was on a credit card anyway that has a tip line. But seriously. There is nothing more annoying than getting to a house on time with hot fresh food and being told to your face “sorry I don’t have the money for a tip.” You are acknowledging the tipping practice by saying you have no tip yet…you have no tip. Does your sorry put gas in my car or food in my stomach? No? Okay then. I rather you keep your mouth shut about stiffing me than making up some pathetic excuse we both know isn’t true. Oh and I hate you too.
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