Total Recall: Totally Scarred for Life

My husband and I don’t have many days off together. Me being in the food industry and him being in the military means we get hours together in a day. We usually get Sundays totally free to do what we want but other than that it is holidays or us taking days off to get 24 hours of togetherness. For some reason this Labor Day my boss decided that he wanted to take the day off to do something he wanted to do thus closed the store. We were free! Free for the day!

Time to compare woohoo!

The husband and I took advantage of our day together and had a fun day of mini golf and shopping. We had some filling noms and bounced ourselves to the nearest movie theater to see Total Recall. After watching the movie the husband realized how greatly this 2012 movie differed from the original. Since I had not seen the original I was like oh okay but I heard there was Mars? Where was Mars? The husband immediately decided that the date day was not over and quickly procured a copy of the original Total Recall. Cuddled up on the couch we watched this original movie.

I still haven’t forgiven him. Warning for spoilers. Not sure what I am spoiling but read at your own risk!
  
Little tiny stubby arms haunt my every dream. EVERY SINGLE ONE! Why?! WHY! I cannot erase such things from my mind. I would divorce my husband for putting me through such horrors but who would pay for my therapy bills then?!

See I have no problem that this looks...dated. I have a problem that it lasted about 2 minutes and wasn't really...necessary.

Please note that all this hatred towards the original Total Recall has NOTHING to do with the technology/time frame the movie was made in. Even though every single person thinks that is why I am ranting and raving. Don’t these people know The Thing the original is like my favorite movie of all times? Clearly I am okay with dated movies with limited technologies. So I wasn’t all um lame at how the bugged out eyeballs and mutants looked. I was going um lame that these things existed.

Clearly a lack of science was happening in this movie...

I hope no one expects this post to make sense. I am just going to type what is in my head. Although if I want to save anyone the horror of this movie I should make a better effort in describing it. But it is just so hard. The main issue/problem I had with this movie was….everything. There was so much of everything I was waiting for a talking unicorn blasting in from another dimension to grace the screen. It got that insane. There is space travel, a triple secret agent, mind altering technology, mutants with psychic abilities, ancient dead aliens, and three boobed hookers with a heart of gold. Add in a money hungry organization, robots driving cars, and incompetent goons and I think this is every movie ever made. Ever.

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?! X____X

ONE OF THE MUTANTS WAS A FETUS THING ON SOMEONE’S STOMACH! ON THEIR STOMACH! WITH STUBBY ARMS! AND HIS EYES WERE TWITCHY! THE MAIN CHARACTER TOUCHED THE ARMS! MOG DIE!

Yep...our hero....

Did I mention that Arnold Schwarzenegger was the main character, the person that was supposed to be a secret spy? I totally believe that. TOTALLY BELIEVE THAT! It probably didn’t help that my husband kept whispering “get to the choppa” every five minutes but I found Colin Farrell much more believable as someone who was a grunt at his current job but possessed enough capabilities of being a top secret agent who can tie his shoes. Please also note the 2012 version is not humorous at all while the 1990 has really odd moments of humor. Usually after someone dies.

I have a hard time calling the new movie a remake after seeing the old one as the films are very, very different. I guess the first 10 minutes are nearly the same. The reason why the main character goes to Rekall is different but that is understandable. But from there it is a totally different movie. Spoiler alert! There is no Mars or mutants in the new movie. NO STUBBY ARMS! Apparently this is what my husband was trying to show me, that the movies were totally different. I thought he was trying to show me that the original was better but after my reaction maybe he changed his tuned so I didn’t leave him and take the cat!

Um...I'm here to be pretty. Deal with it.

I am not at all saying the new Total Recall movie was the best movie ever. There were some special moments in this movie too. At once point people were outside when something was traveling at the speed of VERY FAST. And they didn’t fall off and die in a gruesome way. It was really never explained why Melina was picked to be lieutenant in this campaign. While a certain wife/secret agent was running around like she was Alice from Resident Evil kicking everyone’s asses Melina was…well boring. And just there. Kinda sucking at everything including explaining what the heck was going on half the time. Also when you launch a full on attack on someone maybe you should lock down your transportation device so people don’t break in. Just saying.

Can't find me now that I have my towel on HAHA!

While the original is tons of special…much can be learned from this cinematic master piece. Like for instance if there is a tracking device in your skull you can wrap a wet towel around your head and the signal will be blocked. Sorta like if I wrap tinfoil around myself the aliens can’t read my mind! I also learned that if you are stuck outside on Mars and start to die, to the point where your eyes pop three inches out of your head and your face distorts into the grossest thing ever, a breath of oxygen will instantly cure you. Not the guy who got sucked outside 5 seconds before you but main character you. And your girlfriend. Oh and I also learned that ancient aliens went to the complicated trouble of making a machine that would give their planet a breathable atmosphere but NEVER USED IT! Apparently these oxygen breathing aliens were like us! They were like meh why don’t we just go to the planet next door. I mean…we spent all this time and energy on making this machine. Seems like a waste to turn it on and stuff. Also I learned that in the future we need taxis to drive us about 1.4th of a mile down the road. Wall-E here we come!

What did I like about the original? Um…let me see. Well in the new movie I found things overwhelming at times. Yes it was beautifully overwhelming and showed how the different class of people lived and tried to use every bit of space. But the layers of living space really wonked my head at times. In the original Total Recall things were done very simply, like this is the future and we have less. Makes sense to me. Um what else….err….OH I thought the scene where the main character is being told this is all a dreeeeeeeeeeeeeeam was done much better in the original. In the new movie it felt weird randomly sending in the best friend and having no facts/lies to back up his story. In the original…well the best friend was already dead and sending in the “doctor” who had nothing to gain made more sense.

Get to the choppa

In conclusion my husband hates me and I have no idea why this movie, the new one, got blasted in the media. Maybe because it was considered a remake when really I see it as a reimagined film. Is that the word I mean to use? I think it is. It took an idea from a movie, used a few elements and went in a different direction. Because that new direction was far, far away from trips to Mars, stubby arms, and get to the choppa antics. With THIS as the original source why WOULDN’T they go in a different direction? I can either remake this crappy/scary movie or I can take the ONE good idea about this movie and make something complete new. So yes. This new Total Recall totally alienated their core audience of prior fans. But only because all of those people are insane. GOOD NIGHT!